No doubt you’re as thrilled as I am by the news that Guy Ritchie will be directing a Sherlock Holmes movie, one that, according to the Hollywood Reporter, will make Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s Victorian sleuth “more adventuresome and less stuffythan previous screen incarnations.” I’m sure that the Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels director will move quickly to cast Jason Statham (pictured, left, in Lock, Stock…) as Holmes and Vinnie Jones as Watson in the flick, which I am certain will be called No S—, Sherlock. Here’s how I imagine the screenplay will begin.
SCENE 1: INTERIOR - 221B BAKER STREET
Holmes is in his living room, casually snorting a line of cocaine, when he hears a knock on the door. Suddenly alert, he rushes to his feet and hides behind the door as it opens. Watson enters the room.
Holmes, old chap, you there?
Holmes gets the drop on Watson, kneeing him in the groin and giving him a karate chop to the neck. Watson doubles over in agony and falls to his knees. Holmes whips out a revolver, holds it sideways, and points it at Watson’s head.
For f—‘s sake, you powder-sniffing loony, it’s me, Watson!
Watson? Sorry about that, mate, but you can’t be too careful these days, eh? Besides, I’m coked to the bleedin’ gills, so I’m a bit paranoid.
He helps Watson to stand.
Never mind all that, you crazy bugger. I’m here because Scotland Yard needs your help. There’s been a bank robbery. The thieves got away with £33,000 and vanished without a trace.
Fir’ee-free fousand? Bloody ‘ell!
How the devil will you find the rascals, Holmes?
Elementary, you stupid git. I know an informant who knows everything.
Holmes grabs two antique shotguns off the wall, hands one to Watson.
After the jump: Scene 2.
SCENE 2: EXTERIOR - NIGHT - THE THAMES RIVERBANK
Holmes and Watson trudge through the fog toward an encampment of mud-spackled tents. Holmes is wearing his famous deerstalker cap, rakishly hiding his bald spot.
Mickey the Gypsy knows everything that happens on the streets.
Like I knew ye were comin’, ye bald bastard.
Holmes and Watson turn to face the snaggle-toothed Traveler, who has suddenly emerged from the fog. He is played by Brad Pitt.
Good to see you, too, you tosser. What do you know about this bank robbery?
What the devil did he say?
I don’t know. When we get home, I’ll play back the tape at half speed.
You have a tape recorder on your person? But they haven’t been invented yet!
Well, I invented it! I’m Sherlock bleedin’ Holmes!…