Gregory Kirschling
August 15, 2008 AT 04:00 AM EDT

A shorter sweeter ‘Pineapple Express’

Pineapple Express clocks in at nearly two hours. It’s also very violent and arguably pro-drug use. Our trims make the movie easier on your keister, and safer for America. (Warning: Weird spoilers follow!)

In 1937, Bill Hader smokes pot. Cut to the present day, where doper Dale (Seth Rogen) is wasting his miserable life…
1. -4 MINS.
First scene to go? The very first scene! Why begin the movie with a black-and-white flashback to 1937? It takes up time, it isn’t mentioned later, and it features rampant pot use and profanity. Bill Hader: Repent, you sinner!

Dale and Saul (James Franco) smoke Pineapple Express, and yak and yak and yak.
2. -4 MINS.
For a pair of stoners, our heroes seem affable — but extremely chatty! Let’s trim from their long first scene together, losing that ridiculousness where pot dealer Saul gets angry about being mistaken for a Percocet dealer. Apples and apples, dude…apples and apples.

Dale and Saul freak out and smash their cell phones in the woods.
3. -6 MINS.
Okay, our big fix starts here. Let’s show Dale smoking in his car, but not the part where he witnesses bad guys Gary Cole and Rosie Perez committing murder. In fact, let’s cut Cole and Perez out completely. This way Dale looks totally paranoid from here on out. Lesson learned: Drugs make you crazy!

Dale and Saul get in a big fight with Red (Danny McBride). This whole scene was actually pretty funny.
4. -7 MINS.
Kevin Corrigan and The Office‘s Craig Robinson play another pair of bad guys. We’re taking them entirely out of the movie as well. That scene where they shoot a guy in the belly? Gone. It harshed our buzz, man!

During a chase scene, Saul drives with his whole foot through the windshield. Alright, we laughed until it hurt.
5. -2 MINS.
Sorry, but we’ve gotta vanquish the villainous Asians, too. If you cut out all the bad guys, it looks like Saul and Dale are just compulsive hallucinators. No one in the audience will ever want to smoke pot again!

From here on out, the movie inexplicably turns into a bloodbath. That thing with Dale’s ear was awfully gross.
6. -40 MINS.
Let’s lose the whole 40-minute hyper-bloody climax, because violence never solves anything. After a car chase in which Saul isn’t pursued by Rosie Perez (because we cut her out of the movie, remember?), Dale finally says no to more pot and Saul gets mad. But keep the scene with Saul crying on a swing, and also the part with Dale saying ”I love you!” to his girlfriend. Drug user Saul has been smote, while the reformed Dale will live happily ever after. The End. That’s more like it. Kids, don’t do drugs.

Total Running Time: 112 MINS.
Our Running Time: 49 MINS.

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