Adam Markovitz
October 06, 2008 AT 04:15 PM EDT

Oscar winner, lovable snob, and confirmed MILF Gwyneth Paltrow has done her share of celebrity shilling (Estée Lauder perfume, charity t-shirts, etc.), and we never minded. It’s not like she’s got a rich husband to pay the bills, right? But her deal with luxury haberdasher Tod’s is feeling a little ill-fated. First, Gwynnie got slammed by PETA this summer or wearing fur in a Tod’s ad. And now the actress stars in an unintentionally hilarious six minute short film (click here to watch it), written and directed by none other than Dennis Hopper. It’s a loopy love letter to Italian cinema, circus performers, and the Tod’s Pashmy Bag, and let me just say that the whole clip packs an extraordinarily high WTF-per-minute ratio; if Hopper was shooting for Fellini, he ended up with Farrelly. Check our minute-by-minute reactions after the jump, the let us know what you think:

0:02 Wait. This thing is directed by Dennis Hopper? TheDennis Hopper? [Note: This isn’t nearly as surprising once you watchthe movie and realize that no one but Hopper could possibly have madesomething this crazy.]

“Starring Gwyneth Paltrow & The Tod’s Pashmy Bag” Ah, how the mighty have fallen. Eight years ago, she was man-handling Oscar; today, she splits top billing with leather goods.

Paltrow buys a single rose, gifts it to a street performer. Becauseshe’s JUST THAT GENEROUS. Street performer is visibly peeved to havereceived a flower instead of, say, 20 bucks, or an autograph that couldbe sold for the same amount.

Paltrow meets her superhunky Italian interviewer (let’s call him Marcello)and carefully places her Tod’s Pashmy Bag on a chair. The bag gets itsown shot and everything. At this point I’m wondering if we’re going togo down a Lars and the Real Girl road where Gwynnie starts cracking jokes with the bag. (“You know what, Pashmy? You’re no slouch! HA!”).

Paparazzi swarm the interview. Gwyneth spooks like a horse and makes arun for it—leaving her bag! Poor Pashmy, all alone with thatcut-from-marble journalist…on a beautiful day…in Italy… Hm. DidGwyneth lose the bag, or did the bag just ditch a third wheel?

1:20 “Gweenett! You bag!” Marcello chases G down the street with the purse, but she slips into a getaway car.

1:50 Marcello sulks away, looking classy and manly even with a purse over his shoulder. Damn. European guys can pull off anything.

2:00 Marcello drives up to G’s party on a Vespa. What, no gondola?

2:50 After losing G again in the din of the red carpet, Marcello gets into the party using his press pass. Or maybe just his smile…

3:15 Film geek note: is the party music actually Nino Rota, or just a soundalike?

4:20 M finally spots G, cutting a rug with some circusperformers. She looks slammin, but La Paltrow’s acting chops havehistorically hit a wall when she’s asked to feign interest in clowns(e.g., Jack Black in Shallow Hal).

4:45 Feeling a little playful, Marcello starts diggingthrough G’s purse. Does he find…sunflower seed snack packs? AColdplay album? A lock of Madonna’s hair? Nope, just her wallet. Thisis getting creepy…

5:00 M enlists a clown to give G her wallet, then her keys.Hang on a sec. A stranger is using circus freaks to give back herpossessions one by one, and this is supposed to be charming? RUN AWAY,Gwyneth!

5:50 G and Pashmy finally have a joyous reunion, followed by a dance with Marcello. Fellini rolls in his grave [<— not shown].

So what do you think PopWatchers? Is Paltrow’s ad a luxury item or just a high-price bag of crap?

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