Leah Greenblatt
October 10, 2008 AT 04:00 AM EDT

This past week, Cher and Janet Jackson announced concert delays. Below, we analyze the ”official” reported causes of notable show cancellations.

BRITNEY SPEARS 2004
Knee injury
Symptoms: muscle weakness due to dangerous lack of essential Cheeto vitamin; overwhelming urge to procreate with backup dancer.

AMY WINEHOUSE 2007
Incarceration of husband
Symptoms: beehive-colony-collapse disorder; sudden rash of hubby-related tattoos.

AVRIL LAVIGNE 2008
Acute laryngitis
Symptoms: virulent outbreak of mall pox; eyeliner-induced conjunctivitis.

ASHLEE SIMPSON 2008
Pregnancy
Symptoms: accelerated growth of babee in womb; spasms of glee from stealing older sister’s headlines.

JANET JACKSON 2008
Undisclosed illness
Symptoms: severe whiplash following abrupt divorce from record label; a reversion to Good Times persona Penny.

CHER 2008
Bronchitis
Symptoms: feathers on Bob Mackie costumes molting; hallucinations of Gypsys, Tramps, and Thieves.

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