Do the tragicomic costumes on Dancing With the Stars leave you more bewildered than bedazzled? No more! Below, our handy field guide to the flashy ensembles of the ABC reality show.
I. SPECIES FRINGE
Examples: Misty May-Treanor, Julianne Hough, Kym Johnson
Benefits include the illusion of hip action and, in Misty’s case, an intense craving for tropical punch.
II. SPECIES SEQUINS
Examples: Brooke Burke times two
A more regal counterpart to fringe, sequins brighten the ballroom — and blind viewers to any missteps.
a. SUBSPECIES TIERED RUFFLES
Examples: Kim Kardashian, Cloris Leachman
The slightest butt-shake under a mound of these can simulate a real dance move!
b. SUBSPECIES SEQUINED FRINGE
Examples: Susan Lucci, Toni Braxton
Just a glimpse of this ultimate hybrid stuns competitors and judges into total submission.
c. SUBSPECIES SPARKLY STUDS
Examples: Warren Sapp, Tony Dovolani, Maurice Greene
Any guy swathed in shimmer deserves an automatic 10 from DANCMSTR.
For more on Dancing With the Stars, check out our TV recaps at ew.com/dwts