Annie Barrett
December 01, 2008 AT 11:42 PM EST

Last night’s well-watched 60 Minutes showcased what is sure to become one of the most important races of our time: Anderson Cooper On The Surface vs. Michael Phelps In The Deep. Press play below.

Things That Could Have Helped Anderson Cooper Win:

–Full-length LZR Racer bodysuit
–A better track start, damnit! Coop wasn’t even crouched. And his feet split apart before entering the water. Half point markdown if this were diving!
–Phelps forced to do only breaststroke kicks while on his back. Right-side-up flutter kicks are ALWAYS the fastest. Barring that…
–Phelps forced to wear eight gold medals in pool
–Waiting 50 more seconds to start the race, because that’s how long it took Phelps to fall asleep during a shared taxi ride on the same day
–Turning race into a relay with Wolf Blitzer on Phelps’ team

Any other suggestions for the “middle-aged mortal”‘s next swim?

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