Annie Barrett
January 05, 2009 AT 11:50 PM EST

Last night’s premiere of NBC’s Superstars of Dance, hosted by Lord of the Dance and Caricature of Self Michael Flatley (DANCLRD for short), provided an excellent second-rate substitute for anyone who missed the Olympics and needed a two-hour recap. There was a parade! Lots of color! Rhythmic gymnastics! A lady straddling a chair! Okay, fine, this actually played out nothing like the Olympics but a lot like a forced SNL sketch — specifically, the painstaking introduction of the mind-blowingly useless international judging panel. I do recommend viewing the show as if it’s an intentionally arranged nightmare…which is pretty much the definition of what it is ANYWAY…aggghh, mind melt!

P-Dubs, I gave this spectacle a chance, but I could barely keep my head above sea-of-liquid-cheese level a few routines after So You Think You Can Dance alums Anya and Pasha (pictured) slithered through a seriously hot number set to a pounding Russian song featuring dial tones. That really did rule. At 10 p.m., exhausted and gurgling, I was honestly shocked that the premiere would last another hour — not to mention the two-hour extension of the premiere that’ll air tonight.

So many questions. Are you still alive? Will you tune in again? Was I the only one confused by that one judge’s repeated shouts of “NO!” when he pretty much meant yes, a.k.a. 9? How on earth should Irish stepping be judged alongside South African gumboot dance and the little Chinese girl with her sad ribbon? As’s DWTS “expert” and superfan, who exactly do I think I’m kidding? To sum it all up…WHY?

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