It’s a banner day, America! NBC has announced the cast for the second “sensational” (no, really) season of Celebrity Apprentice, which premieres Sunday, March 1 at 9 p.m., if you want to get the wife and kids out of the country ahead of time. Take a deep breath and get ready to lose your remaining respect for: Clint Black, Andrew Dice Clay, professional poker player Annie Duke, Tom Green, boobalicious LPGA golfer Natalie Gulbis, figure skater Scott Hamilton, noted motorcycle enthusiast Jesse James, professional suitcase holder Claudia Jordan, Khloe Kardashian, Brian McKnight, Joan Rivers and Melissa Rivers, Playboy bunny Brande Roderick, Dennis Rodman, Heisman Trophy winner and former Dallas Cowboys running back Herschel Walker, and Tionne “T-Boz” Watkins.
I swear to god I just about started crying.
But look – no one (with the possible exception of Dalton Ross) watches this show to see what enchanting business ideas this cast of overachievers will come up with as they battle it out for charity. The only reason to tune in each week is to see who gets fired, and why. To that end, and in the interest of public service, I’ve decided to cut out the middleman and look into my oft-hazy crystal ball to predict their departures from the 15-more-minutes-of-fame game. Some inevitable eliminations:
T-Boz: Wants to have it her way or nothing at all. Additionally, moves too fast
Tom Green: Poops on boardroom table
Scott Hamilton: Slashes Andrew Dice Clay with a skate after enduring one too many fairy jokes
Andrew Dice Clay: Severed artery
Brian McKnight: Inability to count higher than five deemed impractical in a business setting
Khloe Kardashian: Asked to leave once Trump realizes she’s not Kim
As for the rest…go for it, PopWatchers. The crystal ball is all yours.