Michael Slezak
February 04, 2009 AT 08:12 AM EST

‘Twas two weeks before the semis, and all through the house
My obsession with Idol worked the nerves of my spouse
The contestants were singing at the Kodak with panic
For Hollywood Week makes these young singers manic

The first cut to sting sent me right to the gurney
‘Twas the girl with the grandma: Sweet Jessica Furney!
The news was much better for noisy Von Smith
But his front-runner status now looks like a myth

When whoa, on my TV, there arose such a clatter
And it wasn’t just Paula acting mad as a hatter
For covering Faith Hill it was “Girl With Bikini”
The drool from old Simon made me reach for my veenie*

His eyes on her breasts in an open-mouthed stare
Gave a luster of talent I don’t think was there
And it wasn’t the last time a judge would act mental
They even said “yes” to (gah!) Norman Gentle

Hell Week round one, well that wasn’t so bad
Who’s the real deal? And who’s just a fad?
Now with that I must go write my Idol recap
Please comment below, then go take a nap

*”Veenie” is an affectionate term for “wine” in the Slezak household.

More on ‘American Idol,’ ‘AI’ graduates:

‘American Idol’ recap: Hollywood Week, episode 1
‘American Idol’: 10 Greatest ‘Hollywood Week’ Moments
EW’s ‘American Idol’ HQ
‘American Idol’: Get the scoop on what 14 of your favorite former contestants are doing now
David Archuleta announces tour (the Internet announces that I’m a fan)
Fantasia covers ‘Lady Marmalade’! Roof height at venue permanently altered.
Kelly Clarkson: Her new video does NOT suck! (Nor do the five other tracks that we’ve heard!)
‘American Idol’ NY, San Juan auditions recap: Livin’ la Vida Broke-down
‘America’s Next Top Doll’: Fire walk with me!

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