Mandi Bierly
February 10, 2009 AT 11:19 PM EST

Bar Refaeli, better known as Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend, graces the cover of this year’s Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue (out now). My thoughts as I flipped through the pages:

• Does Bar’s bikini top on the cover technically fit her? Or does it not fit her, in a purposely tantalizing way? I just want to make sure I have it straight when I never buy a bikini.

• Danica Patrick, p. 6, is like Gabrielle Reece — always trotted out to remind us that female athletes can be sexy. Did she walk in those silver stilettos, or did they slip them on her once she took her position lying on top of a car?

• Though I am not a fan of the name Anne V (seriously?), I do think she does one of the best “Oops, I’ve lost my top” poses on page 13. I prefer playful to sultry.

• Clue No. 1 that an SI swimsuit model’s life is different from mine: Hilary Rhoda, p. 33, is asked if real guys have a chance with her. She responds, “Of course! I especially like real guys.” Wouldn’t it be nice to have to clarify that?

• Clue No. 2 that an SI swimsuit model’s life is different from mine: Kim Clouter, p. 42’s ode to Cheryl Tiegs, is asked for her “no goes” when dating. After mentioning the universal burping and farting ban, she says, “…I also wouldn’t want a guy to say that he wanted to marry me on our first date.” It would never occur to me that I would have that problem.

• Should anyone be wondering whether Bar would’ve gotten the cover had she not been DiCaprio’s girlfriend, look at p. 52. And p. 68.

• Seriously, these bikini tops that are just wide enough to cover the nipples have got to be stopped. The one Brooklyn Decker, Andy Roddick’s fiancée, is wearing on p. 57 also looks too small to me. (Go ahead. Look closer. I’ve given you a legitimate reason to examine that page!) Also, FYI, turns out Brooklyn fancies herself a bit of an actress, too: She will appear on an episode of Chuck March 2.

• I love the “I went to the market and bought my flowers and fresh produce while wearing a bikini and heels” shot on p. 81.

• If I were into women, I’d be all about Daniella Sarahyba, spreads on pages 82 and 88. I like her smile.

• I find this year’s bodypainting, pages 112 to 119, underwhelming.

• At first, I thought Jessica Gomes was a little too Top Model in her poses (see: “the hunch” on p. 126, the arm on the head on p. 128), but the spread on p. 130 is top notch. Definitely the best water shot, in my opinion. She’s laying on her back, bottom raised, on stones in the shallows off the island Tenerife. Totally different than anything else in the issue.

• Okay, Melissa Haro is working a similar pose on p. 140, but she’s just in a bed. Boring.

• Ohmygod, a one piece! Page 148.

• And another one! Page 152. They really are a let down after all that earlier skin, I must admit.

• On the eve of the NBA All-Star weekend, members of the NBA’s dance squads model swimsuits inspired by their team colors. Cheers for the bikini tops covering the full breast; boos to the swimsuits looking so cheap (even the $1,050 one).

• I really need to start watching tennis again, because I have no idea who these “three smashing tennis stars”/models are: Maria Kirilenko, Daniela Hantuchova, and Tatiana Golovin.

• I wonder how many people have walked by my office and seen me staring at this issue?

Your turn!

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