I wish the entire season could be shot from Jill’s beach house. Life is nice there, with naps and watermelon and Bobby fussing over everybody as he waddles around in long white tennis shorts. Bethenny and Jill are having the best sleepover ever, with most of their lives being conducted from Jill’s four-poster. Jill brought up the J-word, and Bethenny finally revealed that she and her silent man from season 1 are taking a break. Jill’s parents sailed into town, and we were reunited with the incomparable Gloria and met the dear Sol. Gloria managed to sit Bethenny down and talk some Jewish mother sense into her. Gloria encouraged therapy and insisted on happiness. Bethenny cried. Gloria soothed. Bethenny cried. Gloria adopted Bethenny. Bethenny cried. In the end, Gloria thrust her hand in the air, before scooching back into the rented Lincoln, and shouted “My love goes with you always!” It was one of the finer exits in reality TV history.
In other Housewife news: LuAnn badgered more people to call her a Countess and had her mother at her side during a cancer benefit. Though, truth be told, her mother looked like she had been kidnapped and was waiting for her daughter to slip on her silk eye mask later that night so Mama could grab the leftover Meatball Bagger and make a run for it.
Mario a lizard to a dog’s birthday party and revealed a hidden past. Now she’s not bragging or anything, but twice in the mid-’90s she contributed to Cosmo articles, and by contributed she means she let someone smear bacon grease over her thighs and lifted a barbell while bleating out the ubiquitous list of 10 rules no Cosmo girl ever breaks if she wants to land herself her own lizard.
Simon and Alex spent $8,000 on clothes — $8,000 that I’m further convinced they simply don’t have — and almost orgasmed when the shop keeper brought up the possibility of a Puff Daddy party. We’d gotten an unnecessary crotch shot of Alex in the store, and then a lingering profile view of Simon in a speedo at the beach. All was forgiven, though, when we were treated to a background shot of Simon being tossed by a wave and forced to eat mouthfuls of sand. Welcome to the Atlantic Ocean, bitches.
In the real world, Kelly had to make a living. She writes a column called The Socializer, apparently, so it’s her job to cover events. Hooray, finally something to humanize Kelly for me. Now I can watch someone else for a change clutch their sad little notebook and hover meekly in the corner sucking down a weak cocktail as they reach and miss for the passing crabcake plate. But then off she went, skipping into a fantasy land of Hugo Boss models where she did lots of posing and preening and air-kissing. She declared the event “foxy,” and called it a day.
Next week, Kelly falls off a horse and Simon’s nipple guest stars.
So, PopWatch faithful, do you also want to be adopted by Gloria? Who would yourather be stuck in Alex and Simon’s cramped beach house with — Kelly orJill’s gay husband Brad? Do you ever get the feeling that the Count isup to no good on his many work trips?