Leah Greenblatt
March 12, 2009 AT 09:35 PM EDT

Well eff me gently with a chainsaw, PopWatchers — Heathers is coming to a stage near you! The 1988 Winona Ryder-Christian Slater cult classic, a sort of suburban-high-school Lord of the Flies with hair bows and Drano, is actually kind of amazingly ripe for the stage, don’t you think?

Kristen Bell supposedly participated in an early table read as Ryder’s Veronica, which could actually work, with a box of Clairol Natural Black — they’ve both got that neurotic-pretty-girl thing. But who should play Slater’s eyebrow-cocking sociopath, J.D.? Shannen Doherty’s ruthless Heather McNamara? [Ed. note: Obviously, Shannen Doherty –Annie] Martha Dumptruck? And which famous lines could you not live without? (“What’s your damage, Heather?”; “I love my dead gay son!”) What scenes are most ripe for a song? Will they sell Corn Nuts at concessions? The mind reels! Lick it up, baby. Lick. It. Up.

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