Karen Valby
March 18, 2009 AT 08:02 PM EDT

Last night on the Real Housewives…the limping publishing industry collapsed in on itself. Bethenny has her book deal. (Okay, that one we might actually buy.) The Countess LuAnn is tapping away in some luxe garret about the importance of wearing head scarves and not looking royalty in the gilded eye. And now it’s been revealed that Simon and Alex are writing a book about toddler-rearing in the city. Cut to a clip of Francois screaming his head off. Soon I expect news of Jill’s tome on the necessity of every spoiled woman having a gay best friend. (Though she’ll have to ditch annoying Brad for the book tour. He bugs.) And Ramona can do a calisthenics book or something similarly thoughtful, because Ramona suddenly cannot stomach shallow people. Ramona, whose main story line this episode involved shopping for ankle boots, likes people of substance. Ramona might need someone to toss a glass of substance in her face.

Truth be told, I’d take an evening of Ramona, even if she showed up wearing nothing but a bikini top and a tennis skirt, over one with Kelly. The elusive Housewife got a little more screen time this evening, during a bit about making lettuce stir fry clumps with a hot Hamptons chef, her two sad-eyed daughters, and LuAnn. Despite the heat, she forced her little daughter Teddy into a hot pink sweater so that she could match her older sister. Then she barked at said older sister — woeful Sea, who looks like she has the weight of the world on her little shoulders — to use her princess napkin and sit up straight and wipe her mouth and not wave her lettuce in the air. Kelly was so bad that LuAnn of all people finally had to step in and tell her to back off the poor kid. Oh Sea, hang in there child and don’t let Mommy get inside your head about living a healthy lifestyle. We all know that is code for dieting, and you just plug your prepubescent ears.


I loved LuAnn a little for telling that mean old saddlebag to pipe down. Of course the Countess quickly went and ruined our moment by giving Bethenny advice on how to reel in a man. Something about leaning in close over the dinner table and talking really softly and nodding like a doll and keeping your mouth in an O shape throughout the meal. Bethenny, who was a wisecracking machine all episode, wondered why all her friends seemed to think she had never been out with a man before and would start scratching under her armpits and tossing her food in the air if she ever was forced out on a date. “Like I’m Shrek or something.”Cut to a date with the totally endearing chef of New York restaurant STK. What a guy! I forgive him for complimenting Bethenny again and again on her “cool factor” because he also said he liked girls who swore and fed her mini hamburgers. But then Bethenny told Alex, who was wearing an upsetting electric blue short jacket with lots of diagonal zippers that looked like something Tiffany might have worn on her first mall tour, she wasn’t going out on another date because she didn’t think she was into him. Come on, Bethenny! Give the guy a chance! Do it for the mini hamburgers!

Alex and Simon. What am I going to do with the two of you. Inexplicably I like you both. Even though you, as Bethenny said, “should be writing a book about how to crawl through an air-conditioning vent to get into a good party.” Even though you both sounded like assholes flipping through your Fashion Week invites while les petit garcons were probably juggling with nails in the other room. Even though Alex began a story “I remember on our wedding night…” and a part of me died. I love you because there is a gross towel hanging on your makeshift bunk bed and you think that dump of a house is going to be ready by Halloween and there are plastic green lawn chairs in your living room. Jill, who I love because she brought bagels and lox to the house, looked like she was going to faint on the tour. And then she said what all of us at home were trying not to picture. “Could you imagine the two of them having sex on the top of that bed?” Gleek!

What about you PopWatchers? Do you think Avery’s problem is that her mother is too attractive? Should Bethenny go on that second date already? Did you want to slap Kelly when she wouldn’t lay off the lovely Sea?

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