Karen Valby
March 25, 2009 AT 06:55 PM EDT

Last night’s episode was one of many revelations, all of them either unnecessary or upsetting. We now know that Brad doubles as a makeup artist. Jill is a 32 G. Simon had a vasectomy. Kelly has many charities, and yet none. Arthritis is one of those “cute” conditions. And Ramona may soon be starting a foundation in honor of Avery’s right heel. Also, Bravo may be trying to turn the ubiquitous Russell Simmons into the next Housewife.

Kelly is turning into quite the stoned villainess. There is something so vacant and vaguely cruel about her that she manages to make LuAnn, who always seems the voice of level-headed reason in comparison, seem positively divine. Kelly droned to the Countess about how she doesn’t even have time to support her own charities, how can she be expected to lend her name to Jill’s fight against arthritis? “What charities?” LuAnn sensibly inquired. “Uh, I don’t do charities,” said Kelly. Later the leggy advertisement against spray-tanning gave a tutorial to all budding hack journalists out there on the art of the interview. Make it about you, marvel over platitudes, print puff pieces on your fabulous friends, accept expensive gifts (in this case, a Jill Stuart watch) in return.

Bethenny wants to bitch-slap Kelly. Apparently, Kelly once flirted with Bethenny’s rock and roll photographer boyfriend and our girl, who we know has a hard time letting go and moving on (get thee to a therapist!), is not over it. So when Kelly droned on about her fabulous friends and this fabulous party that they had to go to together, Bethenny gave her the heavily-lined stink eye. Then Kelly showed up to Jill’s charity meeting 30 minutes late, only to smile insincerely at a mystified Ali and call her arthritis adorable, and pitched a fit over the idea of her name being included on the event’s invitation. Welcome to the shark tank, girl. Bethenny accused her of coming from “a place of no” and this all set the scene for next week’s heavily anticipated confrontation between the two. “We’re not friends,” Kelly says in the trailer. “Correct,” spits Bethenny. Bring it.

It better beat the non-fireworks fizzling between Ramona and Simon. The McCords hop-skipped to the front row of Fashion Week, delighted that poor Simon had been upgraded from the status of Alex’s plus one. Simon loomed over a sneering Ramona, wondering why it was she wouldn’t let him kiss her cheek. Ridiculous Ramona smilingly accused him of having no depth, and being too feminine, and eeew gross, let’s just stick to a handshake. Simon sank back into his seat, and then proceeded to marvel over the men  in the Russell Simmons’ fashion show. “We had a nice long view of the front and back of the models,” he said, as the camera lingered on the receding hamstrings of Russell’s boys. Oh Simon, you make it too easy!

As silly as they are, I find myself partial to Simon and Alex. Yes, my heart deflates when I realize they’re off on another shopping expedition. Yes, bile rises when Simon does things like cup his wife’s inverted sternum in a Williamsburg boutique, leering “So the chains will hit just below your breasts?” Yes, I want to throw a blanket over Alex when she pops out of a dressing room and gives a sad little shake of that confusing fairy-skirt dress. Still, inexplicably, I’m fond of them.

Jill isn’t being given enough screen time this season. She wears muu-muus. She bends over to smush her 32 G’s into place. She wants Kelly to go put on a bra, or a “brawer,” already. I love her so.

What say you? Don’t you think LuAnn is at her best when she’s with awful Kelly? Do you think Bethenny is being too hard on the leggy one? At what point did you almost throw up during the episode?

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