Tanner Stransky
April 03, 2009 AT 04:00 AM EDT

Celebrity Autobiography, one of NYC’s most buzzed-about shows, plays only on Monday nights at the Triad Theater, where a rotating cast of stars like Kristen Johnston and Matthew Broderick do dramatic readings from the (often ridiculous) memoirs of A-listers. Here’s a sampling of some of the featured books’ best lines. (212-868-4444)

”I don’t think you have to have a language in common with someone to have sexual rapport. But it helps if the language you don’t understand is Italian.” — Madonna in Sex

”Have you ever talked to your muscles? As you bring up the dumbbells, say ‘Grow.’ It’s what I call ‘body dialogue,’ where I actually converse with certain parts of my body.” — Sylvester Stallone in Sly Moves

”Take away the wigs and the eyelashes and the fabulous clothes, and you’ll find me at White Castle, feasting on a half dozen of those greasy square burgers.” — Star Jones in You Have to Stand for Something…

”Susan [Dey] lacked the slutty aspect of a female that I always found so attractive. She was never going to say, ‘I want to take that big piece of meat of yours, baby.”’ — David Cassidy in C’mon, Get Happy…

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