Karen Valby
April 08, 2009 AT 07:54 PM EDT

Let’s all pretend those mirrored POP side tables never crossed our TV screen. Let’s not even give Brad’s Liberace/Versace/La Cucarachi vision another second. I took a pot brownie once and the inside of my head felt like Jill’s new shiny aqua den. I will NOT go there again.

Apparently, Kelly hired a publicist because all she did this episode was smile primly and wear teeny skirts and show up on time to places. At a meeting for Jill’s charity event everyone marveled over Kelly’s selfless contributions (America’s Next Top Model photo shoot!). “She doesn’t want appreciation, recognition, nothing,” said Jill, who isn’t going to kick a, kick it, punch a gift horse in the face? Aw come on Red, you know better than that. What Kelly wants is the Bravo cameras rolling when she’s not sneering out the side of her honey-baked face.

Elsewhere, the Countess asked the cameras to follow her to Brooklynwhere she would spend the day at the Boys & Girls Club. The SmartGirls are always in need of positive role models and the Countessbelieved they could learn a thing or two from her own self-confidence.Oh LuAnn, I do believe you mean well and I for one love yourhairstyle. But you always manage to undercut your best intentions withyour blowsy, they-really-appreciate-me-taking-time-out-of-my-day ego.The Countess started going on about—”Get this, because it’s fun”—theSuez Canal and  royalty and her simple beginnings as the Smart Girlssmartly went to their bye bye place. In a self-esteem exercise, a husky10-year-old girl declared her desire to be a model. The Countessappraised her, complimented her beautiful face, but then couldn’tresist reassuring the poor child that she had plenty of time to loseweight. Oh LuAnn, the boards are going to be hating today. At leastgive her points for her Team Jill t-shirt.

It’s a shame that the driving thruline of this season has been thisridiculous tennis rematch between Jill and Ramona. Mario is Ramona’ssketchy ace in a hole and Jill suddenly found herself without apartner. Bethenny’s great idea was to stun them into submission bytrotting out Simon as her new doubles partner. Poor Simon had the flubut he couldn’t resist the screen time, so he gamely threw on somewhite shorts and a terry cloth headband. On the day of, Ramona warmedup in her swishy little skirt, reminding herself to “finish a stroke!finish a stroke!” The fact that so many people showed up in Team Jillshirts had peeved her but she worked out her frustrations with lungesand squats in the lounge. Mario wore a sweater vest, Alex asalmon-colored leather ensemble, and Kelly a stretchy black dress circaFlashdance.

Finally Simon entered the court. Ramona’s eyes crossed, her SkinRenewal cracked a little, but she was determined not to explode. In theend, Simon swung and he missed, swung and he missed. Jill ran hertuckus off. Ramona blamed her misshits on boredom. I started dozing,dreaming of last week’s far superior episode. And on and on the tennismatch went. Kelly went to her bye bye place, dreaming of days gone byat Studio 54. Alex blamed her husband’s performance on the fact that hehadn’t properly warmed up. Bethenny finally admitted out loud that shewas depressed. Now I”m depressed. Luckily, scenes for next weekpromise better action. Ramona calls Bethenny a loser!

What say you Housewivers? Did any of you inexplicably find yourselfjoining Simon Vansomethingsomething’s Facebook Fan Club? Does yourheart sing when Jill says the word “idea-rrrr?” Do you buy Kelly’smuzzled good girl routine?

You May Like