Margaret Lyons
April 22, 2009 AT 11:32 PM EDT

Reps for Rosanna Arquette confirmed to EW that the actress will be in the latest direct-to-DVD installment of American Pie. Which raises two questions: One…they’re still making American Pie movies? And two, what the fart is Rosanna Arquette doing in them?

Look, I love a gross-out teen comedy probably more than anyone (paging the maturity department, Dr. Lyons to the maturity department), but the American Pie franchise needs to be put out of its misery. Hahaha, poop, breasts, boners, etc — can the Internet not meet our needs on this front? I posit that it can.

But more importantly, Rosanna Arquette, I know times are tough all over, but…a direct-to-DVD movie? A fourth d-t-DVD American Pie movie? You desperately sought Susan! You were all kinds of racy in Crash! You were so crazy on The L Word and Grey’s Anatomy. You were in Pulp Freakin’ Fiction! Just…epic sadface on this development. Please do a funky indie movie — though I’d settle for another Lifetime movie — instead.

We do want to know, however: What Arquette fan out there is psyched to hear this news because you are one of the people who actually buys American Pie straight-to-DVD movies?

addCredit(“Michael Bezjian/”)

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