'Real Housewives of NYC': Philippe, Where Have You Been All My Life? | EW.com

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'Real Housewives of NYC': Philippe, Where Have You Been All My Life?

So much to discuss! Finally, we got ourselves a killer episode. (Thanks GE Monogram appliances! Now get your logo off my stinking show.) Let’s dispense with the dispensable first: Ramona has sweaty arm pits. Done and done.

Okay, now onto the good stuff. First of all, I love Francky. I want Bethenny to have Francky’s child. Bethenny said her elegant hair stylist was the perfect guy. “He’s quiet, he’s cute, and he has a nice ass.” Would that all men were like this. Francky may be gay, but he has a straight best friend. Score! Bethenny went over to Jill’s house to report that she had a date with a model/photography studio owner. As Bethenny fretted on the sofa about her life choices, Jill stopped to interrupt her: “You know, your boobs look small today.” Oh, how I love these two together. I don’t see many recognizable female friendships on TV and there’s something so relaxed and intimate and refreshing going on between Bethenny and Jill. Jill is like her perfect big sister/mother/overbearing best friend. One of my other favorite moments of this season was just watching them loll on Jill’s bed in the Hamptons together. I think they need to have a talk radio call-in show, where they dispense bon mots on relationships/parenting/sex/careers.

So Bethenny, despite her protestations that she doesn’t like or trust models, hoisted up her gay-friendly boobies and met Philippe for a round of Skinny Girl margaritas. Now I’m with Bethenny. Theoretically, I don’t like male models. Theoretically, I think they’re shallow and dull and too shiny. But then there was Philippe, with his pretty mouth and his perfect hair and his gentle accent and his soft humor. Wait a second. I love models! So does Bethenny. That might have been the cutest date ever. She was clearly nervous, unable to stop blabbing about finding an Asian restaurant named after her date and translating the term ball buster. But it was so charming to see her flushed and flirty and clearly turned on. And he was such a dream, so uncreepy and then he asked her to cook for him. Oh for the love of Bravo producers: Make these two fall in love and make out and make skinny girl babies. You can have it all, Bethenny! This is TV–fantasies can come true.

The less sisterly Kelly spent much of the episode trying to repair her reputation. She went to girls’ night with LuAnn, who kept making unfortunate comments about wanting to live vicariously through her single friends. (Season 3, Episode 1: LuAnn finally goes dutch.) Kelly insisted on wearing a very odd, sausage-link sleeved white fur coat, and flopping her hair around like a bad Breck model and acting annoying and unnecessarily coy when LuAnn asked reasonable questions like “How many dates have you been on with Max?” In Brooklyn, far, far from the magical land Kelly calls New York, where Alex gets her hair volumized now before any shooting day, Kelly even showed up early to the renovation reveal. Silex’s apartment has been turned into a brothel, with chandeliers and gothic window treatments courtesy of Zarin fabrics on which les petit oeufs shall swing. But Kelly played nice nice and apologized to Jill for showing up so late to her Halloween party. Of course because Kelly lacks the listening and empathy genes, her apology sounded like she was trying to soothe a stubborn child. “I’m so sorry you were upset,” she said, talking over Jill, “I knowwwwwww.”

Kelly let her fuzzy freak flag fly on Bethenny again at Charity Meeting No. 3. Bethenny pulled her into poor Alli’s room to clear the air.

Kelly went maddeningly passive aggressive, accusing Bethenny of, like, you know, like, have you ever heard of the mountain and the mole hill. “Making a mountain out of a mole hill?” Bethenny tried to translate. Then Bethenny thought Kelly suggested she had called her a stoner (when in fact she’d been referring to the “I’m up here, you’re down here” conversation) and Kelly swore yet again that she would not indulge this behavior and finally it all devolved into Kelly gasping and wheezing for Bethenny to STAWP, STAWP, STAWP, we are adults!, we are adults!, you look adorable in that Zac Posen dress, seriously, seriously, STAWP trying to poke her. It’s almost unfair to hate on Kelly, because Kelly is hopelessly incapable of being held accountable. She’s got to go. Let’s have Francky replace her next season. Oh yes, pretty pretty please.

As for best lines of the evening, there were so many choice moments to choose. A sampling of what caused me to almost snort my own private drip of pinot grigio out of my nose:

Scene: Zarin Fabrics
Simon: Jill, have you seen where Francois went?
Jill: He’s on your HEAD.
Simon: No, no, Francois. This is Johannes.
Jill: Oh. Sorry.

Scene: Francky’s salon
Bethenny: You look very cute today.
Cute receptionist with upturned collar: Thank you.
Bethenny: You didn’t come out of the closet yet?
Cute receptionist: No, I’m waiting for the right moment.
Bethenny: Tomorrow?

Now we must all brace ourselves for next week’s finale. If I’m reading the upcoming scenes right, Jill hurts Bethenny’s feelings and asks her to leave the charity party. This I cannot handle.

What did you think, PopWatchers? Did Philippe wind your top? Does your hairdresser look like Francky? Does Kelly have any redeemable qualities? (She did offer to go on a wine run, I suppose.)