Karen Valby
May 15, 2009 AT 08:57 PM EDT

Things degenerated fast in the second hour of the reunion. Andy gave up trying to moderate, looking alternately amused and fatigued by the sniping women. At various points, while Ramona’s head spun around and she caterwauled about not having crazy eyes, he looked like he had given up and resigned himself to doing checklists in his head of upcoming grooming appointments and spinning classes.

Kelly was granted too much air time, exhaling dodo bird nonsense like “cartwheels have no price” and “I don’t want to be in negative town” and that she was voted the most charitable person in her “area” when she was 12 years old. She tsked tsked Bethenny, faux-lamenting the fact that “we could have been best friends, you and I are exactly the same. You’re brunette, I’m blonde.” 1) You two would never be friends. 2) You’re cold and always seem to have woken up from a sleeping pill-induced doze. Bethenny is raw and emotional and could benefit from solid meal and a solid 8 hours of sleep. 3) You have brown hair! And why are we talking about hair?!

Kelly tried pushing her Bohemian schtick, bringing up again her Dodge Ram and gypsy lifestyle, but the women pounced. Jill reminded her that a $15 million house in the Hamptons does not an earthy hippie make and Bethenny took her to task for blowing up her journalistic endeavors. “We’re not confusing you with Stone Phillips,” Bethenny cracked. “You write a three-sentence column about Matthew Modine saying how good you look in a miniskirt.” Zing! You know things are bad when Ramona when has a moment of clarity, turning to Kelly at one point and announcing “You’re like the Scarecrow in the Wizard of Oz! You’re delusional!” (The poor Scarecrow, being unfairly brought into this mess.)

But it’s exhausting watching folks gang up on someone, no matter howmuch they have it coming. Then Alex, who was tight-lipped and politethroughout the entire hour, came to the rescue and cut through thefinger-pointing and hollering. Explaining away the whole “I’m up here,you’re down here” mess, she said, in a tone often heard in couplescounseling or pre-school, that Kelly had been talking about behaviornot social hierarchy. Then she turned to Kelly and said that had thewoman managed to be less inarticulate this whole ballyhoo could havebeen avoided. Alex, you shined this reunion. Brava.

Ramona called Bobby boring. (Watch it, bitch. Nobody puts Bobby inthe corner.) The other side of the couch called Mario a spotlight hog.We saw not one but two replays of him leering some innocent womenpassing by him on the street. The women meanly made LuAnn cry by goingafter her air of superiority. Yes, she should be tweaked for heroccasional pretentiousness but they kept going and going after her andRamona kept bringing up her broken marriage until LuAnn’s chest wasradish red and she had to hide behind a mini pillow. Kelly cried foreverybody, including Andy—”Andy. Seriously.”—to ‘Stahp, stahp’.Bethenny unnecessarily imitated Kelly saying ‘Stahp. Stahp.”

Just when I worried that I’d never be able to find my way out ofnegative town, Andy introduced a clip of Jill’s blessing of a momGloria. Jill cried, her mascara smearing, and said that Gloria would behorrified by all of the women’s behavior during the Reunion. And so,from afar, the glorious Gloria nudged the chastened women into line andeverybody said good night.

What did you folks think? Did your ears start ringing after one toomany of Ramona’s rants? Did you a little bit want Bethenny to ease offon her biting attacks? Can you believe how marvelously Alex handledherself throughout the reunion? Can you ever forgive Ramona for socavalierly dismissing our Bobby? No!


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