On last night’s episode, Danielle continued to throw elbows for airtime. She’squickly becoming even more irritating than New York’s Kelly Bensimon. At leastthere was the sense with Kelly that she was an authentic wack job, too spacedout to care about how she was coming across on a reality show. Kelly might havesucked, but she wasn’t trying to sell us anything – except for owls, which may ormay not have been poached. And the idea that she has an advanced degree fromColumbia. But this Danielle broad? She is trying to work us. She wants something out of this show,and she’ll settle for Omarosa-style fame or a spot on next season’s I’m ACelebrity, Get Me Out of Here. To achieve her goals – of notoriety, of a rich man,of another run on a reality show, of comped botox injections – she’ll stage anafternoon of rock climbing with her daughters. She’ll boast of a months-longphone sex relationship with an (I’m betting imaginary) idiot whose screen nameof GucciModel. She’ll hurl herself on the other Housewives, just so as there isnever a scene without her taut mug in the foreground.
Nice Housewife Jacqueline, the inevitable crush of all of her son C.J.’sfuture friends, continued to put up with Danielle. She sat there sad-faced asDanielle bashed Dina and tried to muster up sympathy for Danielle’s ridiculousclaims that her 26-year-old weird boyfriend Steve really loves her but theycan’t have a future because of their age difference. (Teresa had alreadyelegantly informed us in a private interview that Steve only sees Daniellebecause she gives him a daily PopWatch, if you know what I mean.) Oh Housewives,just flip the table over on her, tell her that the family is thick-hhh asthie-eaveszz, and call it a day.
Give me more of Caroline. Her daughter Lauren is a bitter pill,yammering on about how she’ll agree to go to beauty school but shedraws the line at waxing somebody’s chucky or bebe. I’ve got thoseeuphemisms wrong I think but I refuse to investigate the matter. ButCaroline is tough, and I want her to make me sausage and peppers pasta,and she rightly sees the women getting botox blasted into their mouthsand asks “Am I crazy or is everybody else crazy, because to me that wascrazy times 10.” I’ll even take Caroline’s son (the smart one who readsbooks). After he heard that Jacqueline’s husband had bought herdaughter a new car after a crap report card, he asked “You got her acar for failing out of school? What are you going to get for her whenshe gets locked up?”
Give me more of Dina and her sweat sock of a cat.
Give me more of that icy Wilhemina meanie(a) who took one look at Teresa’sdaughter’s head shots and declared them too pageanty. She held up the picture oflittle Gia with her hair sprayed mane and ridiculous headband and lacquered lipsand sneered. So Teresa, who’d been chasing after Gia with a lip gloss in pastepisodes, ordered a new photo shoot with a natural look and no makeup. Of courseshe brought an entire set of leopard-spotted luggage to the shoot, with two bagsalone dedicated to hair accessories. I would have loved to be in that Bravoediting room when they first heard the footage of Teresa and little Gia walkingout of the modeling agency, assured that fame is still just ahead of them, andTeresa spots a picture on the wall and says “Oh, there’s Britney Spears!” OhGia, would that your Mama was prepping you for the spelling bee instead ofinsisting that you will be a star one day.