Annie Barrett
May 28, 2009 AT 10:27 PM EDT

The description for last night’s premiere of Your Worst Animal Nightmares: “Camp Terror; Blood Bath.” That sounded enticing so I had to watch. Animal Planet’s new docudrama series does not make people’s hypothetical worst nightmares happen. The subjects are actual victims and the show jumps from news footage of their real-life accidents (crocodile attacks Australian campers; Great White Shark “silently stalks” four teens) to interviews with the victims and their families. But the bulk of the air time involves really, really, really horrific dramatizations of the accidents themselves. The pictured cherub was not injured during the reenactment of the croc attack, but a few seconds later, the narrator said “THUD” twice as a method of subtle foreshadowing. And then “Jason” fired a gun at a croc, three times. Blood running down faces, severed limbs, cesspools of blood-orange water for the shark scene, the works. Good times.

If Your Worst Animal Nightmares was literally a rundown of my own worst animal nightmares, it’d be an entire hour of REFRIGERATOR SCARES. I’m constantly haunted by the remote possibility that a small-to-medium woodland creature — usually beaver or raccoon but, one odd time, a very mean mallard — has become trapped in my fridge, had its way with everything inside (cookie dough), and not only wants out but is HUNGRY FOR MORE, i.e. my flesh. And he would be angry about the lackluster spread in his current storage unit. Your week-old Pad Thai was not to my liking! would be the polite translation of the killer beaver’s screech as he lunges for my glasses because they do look like wood. Maybe you should consider buying actual veggies! I suppose this show could be cross-promoted on Discovery Health.

Now that I’ve assured you of my sound mental condition, I want to find out people’s worst animal nightmares. What would happen in Your Worst Animal Nightmares if the show was catered specifically to you? The proceedings can be as lame as you want. (See above.)

You May Like