This morning, I received a soul-crushing email titled “WE tv’s ‘RAISING SEXTUPLETS’ PREMIERES TUESDAY, JUNE 11 AT 10PM/9C.” Naturally, my first response was to rail against yet another entry (along with Jon & Kate Plus 8, Table for 12, Octomom, et al) in the “look what my womb hath wrought!” programming craze. Don’t get me wrong: As the youngest of eight kids in my own family, I have nothing against folks raising massive clans. It’s just that I question the psychological repercussions of allowing TV cameras to follow said hoards of tots as they learn to walk, get potty trained, throw temper tantrums, and hit other milestone developmental markers.
But then I let my mind wander back to this past Saturday night, when my husband and I babysat my sister Deb’s three kids (ages 3, 7, and 9). Seriously? The evening was a breeze. Was there a little lie about whether or not someone brushed her teeth? Yeah. Did we end up a little exhausted? Sure. But then we had a perfect excuse for not leaving the couch/watching 48 Hours: Hard Evidence reruns on Discovery. (Fun!) Why not turn this “child rearing business” into exactly that? A business! (And a high-paying one at that!)
In that spirit, I present my new reality-series pitch: Gay Dads + Countless Bebehs! I figure hubby and I can adopt ourselves 8, 10, maybe a dozen tykes, sit back, and wait for the networks to start courting us. And so what if only one of us is on board with the plan, when resentment, rage, and possible divorce will only spur us to higher ratings? Imagine how adorable it will be to see dozens
hundreds of toddlers stampeding through our two-bedroom apartment screaming for attention, lobbing dirty diapers, and eating from strategically placed bowls of kibble while I plan a “fun” birthday “party” and my husband desperately looks for a way to get his Green Card revoked. Who’s down for watching? And how many bebehs should we wrangle? Be sure to vote in the poll below, and then let me know, in all seriousness: Is it time for these shows to stop?