Chris Nashawaty
July 27, 2009 AT 04:42 AM EDT

Candy Spelling has penned a bizarre and acid-dipped open letter to daughter Tori Spelling in response to the two-part season finale of Tori & Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood, in which the moneybags widow of producer Aaron Spelling is invited to her granddaughter’s first birthday party and does not attend.

The full contents of Candy’s missive can be read at, whom she chose as the go-between for airing her dirty laundry with her daughter. Classy!

But here’s a sampler of just a few of the thought-provoking nuggets from the desk of Candy:

At the top of the letter, she addresses it to “Middle-aged reality show stars (like my daughter)” Ouch!

Then she goes on to say, “Life has consequences. What you say is on the record. Other people have feelings.” A fair point. And no doubt, feelings are the first thing on Candy’s mind as she takes the high road and lashes out at her daughter via a gossip web site.

She goes on: “I did get an invitation just in time for the RSVP deadline. I’m sure its delivery will be on next week’s episode with some comment about my house or driveway or street or something they won’t like. I wonder if that will be spread out over one part or two. Sigh.” Sigh, indeed. Candy, don’t sell yourself short, this is worthy of at least three episodes…maybe even a spin-off show of its own!

Candy continues: “Spoiler alert. Don’t read this if you plan to sit through an hour of people looking at their watches and saying ‘she’s late.’ I decided my first meeting with my granddaughter should be on home video, not prime time cable; so I emailed that i would not be attending.” Candy is savvy here (and adorable — notice the lower case ‘i’). Not only does the 63-year-old use the catchphrase “spoiler alert” (so hip), but also her hands-on role in choosing the medium of her message reminds us of a life spent in and around the business of show. To wit: Candy does not do primetime cable, thank you very much. She chooses the format. Again, don’t sell yourself short, Candy. Hold out for a pay-per-view event!

Finally, Candy sums up with a message to all of the other reality stars out there — the Gosselins, the Octomoms, etc.: “For all the reality show personalities, please remember that real life doesn’t get edited to make things better or worse or get better ratings. You’re responsible for what you do. Life isn’t just a show. And your families can’t just be props. Make your own season finale without creating conflicts you will regret later.” Sage advice, Candy. Sage advice indeed. Now, how about living it?

Is Candy bold or just bananas? And what should be Tori’s response be?

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