Michael Ausiello
August 03, 2009 AT 10:05 PM EDT

WHO: Jenna Elfman, Ashley Jensen, Jon Foster, Grant Show, Lennon Parham, Nicolas Wright, and exec producer Claudia Lonow.

PREMISE: Knocked Up for TV. With half the laughs.

2:34 pm/PST: CBS handed out bowls of condoms prior to the session. And Skittles. Still debating which one I’m going to tear into first. Decisions, decisions…

2:35 pm: Elfman says the show is not a rip-off of Knocked Up. Rather, it’s a rip-off of based on a book called Accidentally on Purpose.

2:38 pm: Ashley Jensen’s real-life pregnancy will not be written into the show. On leaving the New York-based Ugly Betty for the L.A.-based Accidentally on Purpose, Jensen says, “I’m not getting as many air miles.”

2:41 pm: Regarding her numerous failed attempts to find sitcom success after Dharma & Greg, Elfman says, “I love comedy so much. And I was bound and determined to find another great show.” Wait, she’s already lined up another project after Accidentally?

2:44 pm: Opted to go with the condoms. Now comes the fun part: Deciding which critic I’m going to have sex with tonight. [Scanning the room] No. No. Maybe with a blindfold. No. Ew. Changed my mind. I’m going with the Skittles.

2:48 pm: Grant Show won’t rule out a guest appearance on The CW’s Melrose Place reboot. “We’ve been talking, but there’s nothing solid yet,” he says. “I’m not opposed to it.” Says if it happens, it’ll probably be in season 2.

2:53 pm: Jensen concedes that A.O.P. is “much more conventional than Extras,” her late, great showbiz farce with Ricky Gervais.

2:54 pm: Assuming the show will last nine whole months, Elfman’s character will eventually have the baby, insists exec producer Claudia Lonow (a former Knots Landing actress).

3:01 pm: Wait a second, are we allowed to have sex with the folks on the panel?!

3:02 pm: A CBS page informs me that no, the condoms can only be used for consensual sex with a fellow critic. Curses.

3:03 pm: Session’s over! Time for “sundaes on Monday” snack break!

3:20 pm: CBS is trying every means possible — the soothing sounds of a xylophone, free swine flu vaccines, cold hard cash — to lure us upstairs to The Diplomat room for The Doctors press conference. Nothing’s working.

3:22 pm: The show’s publicist is now reminding folks that the show “is Emmy nominated.” Still no takers.

3:26 pm: Publicist just returned to announce that The Doctors is “the No. 1 new show in syndication.” Crickets.

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