This was an emotional night of Housewivery. Kim showed up to Kandi’s studio in a courtesan’s nightgown, her boobs shoved up under her chin and her upper lip extra plumped for the occasion. Kandi debriefed her on their remix of “Tardy for the Party” and played the new sped-up, synthesized club version. Kim started trembling all over when Kandi suggested that at some point in the process of making Kim a one-hit wonder she was actually going to have to warble a couple lines.
Eventually the very kind and calm Kandi got Kim in a booth and she told us all not to be tardy a couple hundred times. She emerged from the booth with her wig askew and her face flushed. She had conquered her fears. She realized her dreams. She needed a cigarette. When they played the track back, Kim was so thrilled she immediately decided to shove NeNe and her damn verse out of the scenario. She made a couple crawl strokes with her arms and did the old plug your nose dance move. “Don’t do that,” her producer told her. “We gonna get you a choreographer next,” Kandi said. I’m starting to like Kandi more and more.
I think we can all be glad that the altar ego reveal finally occurred. Why was this the thruline for so much of the season? Did we really need to see a blow-up of Sheree’s olive-sized flared nostrils? That said, the party did kick up a little drama when Kim took a tumble down three stairs on her way outside for a ciggie break. What followed her little spill was a marvel. First Dwight (“Strap. Broken!”) came to her side, followed by Gregg and Kandi’s Mom. They whisked her into the back seat of Kim’s Escalade where she took drags off her cigarette and watched people dab her bloody shins and rocked to “Tardy for the Party” and moaned that her ankle was on fire. She couldn’t seem to decide if the best way to be belle of the ball was swooning or cracking wise. NeNe was incensed to have her thunder stolen and started getting snippy towards the end. Eventually a couple men in black dragged a woozy Kim, who by this point was hamming it up to the caliber of a bad Juliet death scene in a high school production, up so she could marvel at the sight of herself as a slutty mistress.
At the party Sheree continued to reveal new levels of bat-crazy bitchiness, broom-sized earring swaying from her ears. Lisa behaved gracefully in their first conversation since Closet Freak’s debut. She praised her own event, and didn’t call Sheree out on her continued lack of tact or support. “I can’t wait to come to your fashion show,” she said sweetly, with just a touch of sass. “And I’ll be on time.” As much as I detest Sheree, I felt for the woman when her trainer tried to set her up with a humorless piece of cattle. “I go to Costco and buy 10 steaks….I ate chicken breast for breakfast…I’m looking forward to 40.” On and on the muscle droned, forcing Sheree and Tania to miss the show of four men in bow ties and spangled jock nests make meaty jazz hands on stage.
Next week: Kim is back to being Big Poppa’s slutty mistress. And no y’all, she doesn’t feel guilty for dating a married man.
What did you guys think? Did you find yourself singing “Tardy for the Party” in the shower this morning against your will? Did Sheree get new boobs? Are fluorescent yellow heels ever a good idea?