Dan Snierson
November 06, 2009 AT 05:00 AM EST

The 48-year-old comedian is a bit conflicted about his new late-night TBS talk show, Lopez Tonight (premiering Nov. 9 at 11 p.m.). ”I feel almost guilty,” he confides. ”I stole cable for so many years that I’m having a hard time adjusting to drawing my check from cable.” Lopez says his will be a different kind of chat show, and to prove it, here are five things he vows he won’t be doing on Tonight.

1. A top 10 list of any sort
If you’ve ever been around Latinos, we exaggerate. So we go to 11.

2. Wearing a fat suit so I can find out what it’s like to not be beautiful
In my lifetime, I’ve been fat seven or eight different times. I can speak firsthand. And I got the big-boy jeans in my closet to prove it.

3. Putting my daughter in a balloon
My daughter and I are not weather chasers. Nor are we creating a Jiffy Pop-type balloon to float her over L.A. on Nov. 9. Listen, I’m happy to be an American, but I question our homeland security if [they] thought a 6-year-old could float in that. That f—in’ balloon couldn’t carry a Cornish game hen.

4. High-fiving people when I hit the stage
I will not force people to shake my hand, or touch me and then run 20 feet back to their seats while I do my opening. And listen, with the swine flu, you want to touch me? Go for it. Any contact between me and my audience — or me and my staff — will be amongst consenting adults.

5. Holding guests’ hands while they cry
I will not be a shoulder to cry on, nor will I have Kleenex at the ready, nor will I bring up any dead relatives as the first question. But if someone is hot, everything goes out the window. If Penélope Cruz wants to fall into my arms in tears because her dog went missing that day under questionable circumstances, I want to be there for her.

You May Like