Annie Barrett
November 13, 2009 AT 07:12 PM EST

Unusually inspired to eat a piece of fruit, I just scooted over to the Time Inc. cafeteria after watching Scarlett Johannson’s latest ad for Dolce & Gabbana fragrance L’eau the One (embedded below). But my orange wasn’t turning out to be sexy at all. What was I doing wrong? I’d changed into a black strapless dress and borrowed some of Dalton’s heels. I’d adjusted the tint in my office to Black and White. I’d avoided eye contact with the orange as I peeled it, opting instead for a faraway gaze towards the wall I unfortunately share with Ausiello. I’d even giggled coyly at the distant memory of that one time Slezak said something funny, and stroked my hair. So what was I missing?

Then it hit me: Boob job! No, this: The sexy orange of my fantasy must remain just that, a blip in my consciousness that’s currently fighting for attention against Lesbian Yellow Sourfruit. Beauty that’s in your mind. That’s the one.

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