Margaret Lyons
November 16, 2009 AT 08:00 PM EST

Better watch your back, Mel Gibson — there’s a new star-studded Bible in town: A 79-CD audio version, in fact, with quite the illustrious cast. There are a few obvious choices — ahem, Jim Caviezel as Jesus? — but a lot more unexpected ones: Jason Alexander as Joseph (as in technicolor dream coat), Lou Diamond Phillips as Mark, Harry Hamlin as Nehemiah, and my favorite, Luke Perry as Judas. Dylan McKay! Is Judas! The mind boggles. Also, Marisa Tomei lends her voice to Mary Magdalene, which is somewhere on the sublime border of “what the hell?” and “actually…yes.”

Poor Sean Astin gets the shaft as Elihu, who’s just a supporting character in the Book of Job, and despite what we know about his real-life fathering skills, Jon Voight provides the voice of Abraham. Unfair! British actor Martin Jarvis is the voice of God Himself, but Michael “You’ll Always Be Asher from Gilmore Girls to me” York does the most work as the narrator for the entire thing.

This doesn’t make me any more likely to listen to a 98-hour reading of the Bible, PopWatchers, but it does make me want to assemble a dream cast. Sarah Michelle Gellar as Jael, anyone? (Biblical ass-kickin’ heroines in the ha-us!)

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