HIEROGLYPHICS AND OTHER INTRIGUING ADDENDUMS
Mulling the mysteries of the Lost: The Complete Fifth Season DVD
There’s been a lot of buzz about the Lost: The Complete Fifth Season DVD, in stores now. Maybe it’s because fans have heard a lot about the cool collection of bonus features (like Lost University, only on Blu-ray). Maybe it’s because they’re excited to relive classic moments like the Sawyer/Juliet kiss, the Locke/Ben strangulation, or the Jacob/Man In Black conversation. Or maybe it’s because they’re kinky pervs who like to incorporate shiny plastic LOST-stamped discs into the sexy parts of their Jin/Sun or Hurley/Miles or Ana Lucia/Libby make-believe gameplay. Oh yes, I just went there. Good morning!
Personally, I think the acute excitement for the season 5 set is an expression of the nervy anticipation for season 6 in February. Like the lighting of the first Advent and Hanukkah candles, the DVD’s release is the first manifestation of the Lost moment — the final Lost moment — that is almost upon us. The product itself stokes that fire by including content designed to tease and frame the show’s climactic 18 hours of story. I’m told that Lost University ”curriculum” — which includes classes in philosophy, physics, and sociology — functions as an intellectual orientation to the forthcoming season’s thematic concerns. And then there are the hieroglyphics on the package itself — I’m told that, when decoded, they reveal a season 6 tease. Can’t read hieroglyphics? Well, wouldn’t you know it, Lost University includes a class on that, too.
Of course, not everyone has a Blu-ray player. And then there are those lazy, silly, uncool people who think that deciphering ancient pictograms is ”not fun” or ”too much work” — just one big ”puh-leeeze.” You know what? I do not like these people. These people are the enemies of progress and they need to be strapped to a chair and have their faces slapped with a wet uncooked hot dog by an emaciated lice-ridden gibbon with loose bowels and halitosis until they are willing to confess their profound wrongness and general lack of good taste. But I have neither the straps nor the hot dogs readily available, and so, my Lost friends, we have no choice but to help the ignorant and stubborn among us by doing their cryptography for them. And by ”us,” I mean ”you,” because the labor of concocting Lost theories each week (as well as imagining scenes of icky monkey torture) doesn’t leave enough time for genuinely useful work. So here’s my proposal:
Get the DVD. Crack the hieroglyphic code. Send me your scholarship at email@example.com. Next week, I will publish a sampling of the results. I say ”results” because I suspect that the decoding project could yield different answers, or at least different articulations of the same answer. Those who e-mail me their scholarship before 11:59 p.m. Thursday, Dec. 10 will receive something special. Remember in last week’s column, when I told you about the ”Letter of Truce”? I said at that time that I would reveal more of the letter’s contents in the coming weeks, including all four of Richard Alpert’s ”counters” and ”addendums.” Well, those willing to play my decoding game will get that scoop via a promptly returned e-mail. (Don’t worry: I’ll share that scoop with ALL of you in next week’s column.)
Please: Don’t make me sick my sick monkey on your less fortunate friends. This Lost advent season, help the Lost-deprived with a small donation of your obsessive Lost energy. You’ll be glad you did.
QUESTIONS FOR A SUPER-FAN: ANDREW WILMAR
Also known to his fans as Big Mouth, Andrew Wilmar is a 35-year-old lawyer living in Santa Monica, Calif., who also happens to be one of the most astute and imaginative Lost theorists on the Web. The title of his blog sums up the intensity of his obsession: Eye M Sick. I dig his curiosity, his sincere passion, and his exuberant intellect. And I suspect we share a telepathic rapport. Another journalist recently interviewed me about Lost, and when he asked me what I’ll miss most when the show ends in May, my answer was nearly word for word the same one Andrew gave me in the e-mail interview I did with him later:
NEXT PAGE: Big Mouth on the ”Three Black Swans” theory