Mandi Bierly
December 16, 2009 AT 05:30 PM EST

Buffy the Vampire Slayer‘s Nicholas Brendon is currently in the midst of a sold-out run of The Santaland Diaries — the one-man stage telling of David Sedaris’ gut-busting tale of his time working as an elf at Macy’s — at L.A.’s Blank Theatre Company. I saw Timothy Olyphant play the part of David/Crumpet in New York in 1996, and I can still picture the perfectly pissy look on his face. Who would you kill to see perform it? I’m thinking Jim Parsons would do a nice delivery of the following:

“Today, I witnessed fist fights and vomiting and magnificent tantrums. The back hallway was jammed with people. There was a line for Santa and a line for the women’s bathroom, and one woman, after asking me a thousand questions already, asked, ‘Which is the line for the women’s bathroom?’ And I shouted that I thought it was the line with all the women in it. And she said, ‘I’m going to have you fired.’ I had two people say that to me today, ‘I’m going to have you fired.’ Go ahead, be my guest. I’m wearing a green velvet costume. It doesn’t get any worse than this. Who do these people think they are? ‘I’m going to have you fired,’ and I want to lean over and say, ‘I’m going to have you killed.'”

Your pick?

Photo Credit: Rick Baumgartner

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