Leah Greenblatt
December 18, 2009 AT 05:00 AM EST

1. Lil Wayne, ”Prom Queen”
Wayne should be expelled from the School of Rock for this turgid nü-metal experiment. Word to the wise, Weezy: One minute, you’re the king of hip-hop; the next, you’re just a doofy Korn wannabe with a guitar. (And no, enlisting Korn doesn’t help.)

2. Heidi Montag, ”Body Language”
The vacuous reality meerkat does to Yaz’s 1982 synth-pop classic “Situation” what mosquitoes do to picnics. Except there’s no Off! spray for suck.

3. The Jonas Brothers feat. Common, ”Don’t Charge Me for the Crime”
The JoBros as accessories to a bank robbery? Nice try, but these Care Bears wouldn’t even turn right on red.

4. Confide, ”Such Great Heights”
Slavish Postal Service tributes are for amateurs, Owl City. Real men take an electro-pop jewel from the beloved Ben Gibbard side project and get all Cookie Monster metal on its ass. Blarggggh!

5. Jennifer Lopez, ”Louboutins”
While she’s throwing on her Loubs, we’re lacing up our Nikes and running far away from this vacant pop fiasco. If the shoe fits…don’t sing about it.

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