EW Staff
March 19, 2010 AT 04:00 AM EDT

· Chelsea Handler’s Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang: All the drama of Hamlet. All the humor of Candide. None of the difficult words.
· Kate Winslet back on the market. Do they give Oscars for Match.com ads?
· Dolly Parton celebrates Opposite Day by wearing a ”Dumb Blonde” shirt.
· Lady Gaga and Beyoncé’s ”Telephone” is the best sapphic collaboration since Ellen and Portia.
· David Schwimmer engaged! And thankfully not to Carol, Rachel, or that annoying British harpy.
· The welcome resurgence of Colin Farrell

· We’re not loving their combo name (Jemi?), but Joe Jonas and Demi Lovato are awfully cute together.
· Mad Men Barbies: Martinis and cigarettes not included (we hope).
· Lauren Conrad picks herself as her favorite clothing designer. Well, someone had to.
· Reconsidering Kara DioGuardi
· Paula Abdul may host new version of Star Search. Was second choice to ”propping up Ed McMahon, Weekend at Bernie’s-style.”

· Mike Tyson to host show about pigeons, the only costars willing to work with him.
· Tilda, for future reference, when you wear all black, try to look more like Cynthia Nixon.
· SXSW 2010: featuring hot new upcoming bands like Hole and Stone Temple Pilots
· The Lesbians Who Look Like Justin Bieber blog
· Rielle Hunter’s latest interview makes us long for a Silkwood shower, a hot poker to the eye, and amnesia. Simultaneously.
· The new definition of snorkeling. Thanks, Congressman Massa.
· ABBA inducted into Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Music industry screams, ”This is our Waterloo!”

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