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'The Hills' premiere recap: So this is what a hangover feels like

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Hills-Heidi-AudrinaImage Credit: Matthias Clamer/MTVThe Hills is kind of like your least favorite alcoholic drink, the kind that makes you cringe when you think of downing it, and makes you feel even worse after you actually do. And today, I have a raging TV hangover. For something that used to be fun, the show has become tortured, tired, and old (just the opposite of Heidi’s face!). As I listened to Natasha Bedingfield’s sunny lyrics and watched the smiling fresh faces in the opening credits, a wave of nostalgia rushed over me. I longed for Kristin’s ugly black choker from her Laguna days, Ste-VEN Colletti, Jason, Jen Bunney, Les Deux, Teen Vogue, Bolthouse, Whitney!… simply anything or anyone that would give these people a smidgen of purpose in life, and stop them from droning on about friends, parties, and hooking up. But alas, you can’t live in the past, and like a hangover, we must suffer from what we put ourselves through…

Heidi’s big reveal to her family was anticlimactic since we’ve all seen (and heard about)  her recent enhancements. They couldn’t comprehend what possessed her to do this to herself (she did put water balloons in her bra when she was younger, so… that obviously explains things). A hurt (in more ways than one) Heidi snarled that her mom doesn’t understand because she lives in the mountains, and her mother responded by saying she was a brilliant, articulate woman. What?!

While some other reality shows place a great deal of importance on class, The Hills crew doesn’t really follow that mantra. If Countess LuAnn will take shots at those who don’t know that elegance is learned, Kristin Cavallari will take… shots. When the girls and guys were in Miami for Super Bowl weekend, Kristin refused to be tied down by the grandmas she was staying with, who wanted to hang out at the hotel on their last night. Seriously? That’s clearly not a Kristin move. Of course she looked to her own Countess of Class, Stacie the Bartender, and the two proceeded to drink until they grimaced, leaving her with a nice 65-year-old smoker’s voice come morning.

Fearing the increasingly skinny, sunglass-wearing Kristin was using drugs, the girls held a quasi-intervention after another one of her late nights, which all felt incredibly forced. As if Lo’s perpetual looks of boredom and frustration about having to share air with these inferior people weren’t enough to discredit these obviously fake relationships, Audrina made it a lot clearer with this gem: “We were supposed to be here together, girls weekend, get to know each other, hang out, become closer.” Her confused expression at the tail end made it even better, like she was trying to convince herself and got mixed up along the way. It’s becoming harder and harder to think of these people as friends (or human beings?) when all of their interactions seem so totally contrived.

Other classy, classic lines from the night:

“Seriously I’m only 23 and I’ve been to jail twice? Like, that’s not normal.” – Stephanie

“Let’s take shots, we’re not f—ing around any more.” – Kristin

“My feet are so tore up.” – Audrina

“I can’t talk a lot louder because my jaw is kinda locked up.” – Heidi

“You obviously have a problem with alcohol.” – Kristin to Stephanie, which was a low blow. Didn’t you read above? The girl’s been to jail twice. It’s a sore subject!

Now that you know there’s an end in sight, will you keep watching The Hills? Has this show crossed the line of guilty pleasure reality TV show? What did you think of Heidi’s family’s reaction to her new face? Would you want your hamburger thrown in a blender?

Originally posted April 28 2010 — 8:07 AM EDT

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