Darren Franich
May 25, 2010 AT 09:01 PM EDT

Typically, I don’t open emails from Keith Staskiewicz, since they’re bound to contain some sort of online tomfoolery that will only prove distracting from the things I’m truly passionate about, like bad pun headlines and things Lady Gaga puts in her hair. But I was intrigued by an e-missive from Ol’ Staskie earlier today, with the subject heading: “Best Lede Ever?” He included a link to this article. Judge for yourself whether this is, in fact, the best opening line of any news piece ever written:

“The Brevard County doctor who was arrested for groping a woman while dressed as Captain America with a burrito in his pants will not go to jail.”

My first reaction was amazement. I know that Marvel Comics is trying to ramp up the excitement for next year’s Captain America movie, but this is truly some next-level viral marketing. Keith posited that this was, in fact, a joint publicity stunt with Chipotle. We can all agree that the Red Skull is involved, somehow.

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