In what might be the biggest “Well, duh” of the week, as Hollywood Insider’s Nicole Sperling reports, Columbia Pictures is planning a sequel to The Kung Fu Karate Kid, seeing as the Will and Jada Smith-produced, Jaden Smith-starring remake to the 1984 original kicked such serious butt at the box office last weekend. They don’t have a script or story yet, but that’s where I come in. I’ve got the plot all worked out.
Since the current movie takes place in China (therefore borrowing the whole underdog-fish-out-of-water story line from the original Karate Kid II), the sequel should find Dre, his mama, and Mr. Han headin’ back to the States. Specifically, they will drop anchor in California (tax rebates, every actor lives there, great crews — it’s a win-win!), where Dre would befriend a pack of karate-choppin’ kids who hang out at a zen joint in the Valley called the Mr. Miyagi Karate Academy, run by none other than Daniel LaRusso and his high school sweetheart (now wife), Ali Mills. Every once in a while, a buff chick called Julie Pierce wanders in to visit the place named after her beloved late sensei, though since she won two Oscars retired from the sport to open a boxing studio, she doesn’t do much martial arting anymore. Dre and Mr. Han will try to convince Daniel-san to transform the Academy into a pan-martial arts center incorporating both karate and kung fu. Because Mr. Miyagi, bless his generous heart, would have wanted it that way, they say, even though they never met him, but whatevs.
Daniel-san says “Well, oooookay.” But he doesn’t have the money to hire contractors to expand the joint, even with the cash he’s made moonlighting as a bonsai tree trimmer. So Ali suggests that the gang organizes — oh yes — a tournament in which LaRusso’s most promising karate students and Mr. Han’s kung fu-ers face off in the spirit of peace. No winners, no losers, just fine athleticism. But of course scowling bastard Johnny Lawrence, who’s now living in a cardboard box on Hollywood Blvd. and is still smarting over that epic ass-whooping scrawny little Daniel-san laid on him 26 years ago, gets wind of the event and places an out-for-blood ringer on the karate team. No one figures it out until blood has been shed in the ring, and in the final, nail-biting sequence, Daniel-san will teach Dre the crane to resort peace to the event. And also the world. Meanwhile, Mr. Han runs after Johnny and gives him the Jackie Chan beat-down of of lifetime. As payment for his misdeeds, Johnny must clean the toilets at the Academy with a toothbrush. Only then will he learn to welcome peace and forgiveness into his cold, black heart. The End.
Hey, I think I’m on to something. Don’t you?