Michael Slezak
June 22, 2010 AT 03:19 PM EDT

Image Credit: Vienna: Islandpaps/Splash NewsYou thought they were the second coming of Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson (okay, actually you didn’t), but Jake Pavelka and Vienna Girardi, the “winners” of the most recent season of ABC’s The Bachelor franchise, have grabbed Cupid’s arrow, snapped it in half, and tossed it cruelly back in the little cherub’s face. “Jake and Vienna have split. They appreciate the respect for their privacy at this time,” a publicist for the couple said via email this morning.

I know, I know…you need a second to go listen to Fantasia’s “Bittersweet” on repeat loop and risk dehydration by shedding a half-gallon of salty tears. Do what you’ve gotta do on this sweltering Tuesday morning. Then pull yourself together. Because I’ve got a foolproof plan for Jake and Vienna:

Go to ABC’s Bachelor Pad. Go directly to Bachelor Pad. Do not pass ‘Go,’ but do be sure to collect whatever “appearance fees” (i.e. free booze, fat-free energy bars, penicillin) the network is offering up to cast members of this Bachelor/Bachelorette spinoff, in which former contestants will live in a house together and get a second chance at love and other prizes.

Jake and Vienna are both uniquely qualified for the gig, as far as I’m concerned. On both his season of The Bachelor as well as Jillian Harris’ season of The Bachelorette, Jake proved his excellence at leaning against a balcony and “crying.” He is also adept at taking long, dramatic showers while the cameras roll (no small task, although I am not speaking from experience). And he has no qualms about making out with more than one woman in a 24-hour period. Crucial. I think this show wants him.

Vienna, meanwhile, is second-to-none when it comes to stirring up s*** in a house full of she-beasts. Does she really need any additional qualifications to make her a go-to Bachelor Pad fameosexual? Survey says “Heck, no!”

Now all we need to do is get ABC to make this happen. Seriously, if we’re all going to hell anyway, we might as well prepare by slathering ourselves in gasoline. Burn, baby, burn! Agree?

More ‘Bachelor’:

Vienna denies cheating on ‘Bachelor’ Jake

‘Bachelor’ Jake Pavelka and Vienna Girardi break up

Chris Harrison’s blog: Why Jake chose Vienna

‘The Bachelor’ finale recap: The dumber of two evils

Jake learns ‘what love language’ Vienna speaks

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