Michael Slezak
July 02, 2010 AT 09:30 PM EDT

Image Credit: TLCFile under “Greetings from the Impending Apocalypse!”: AOL’s PopEater blog is reporting that Kate Gosselin, master babymaker and star of several TLC programs, is hoping to record and release a holiday album with her eight children. Gosselin’s rep declined to comment on the story, but nothing short of a “Hell naw, that isn’t happening!” is going to stop me from rocketing down a slide of shame and into a stinking cauldron of “what ifs?” and “whys?” As such, I have gone as far as writing a potential first single for the Gosselin Child Army Chorus, set to the tune of “Winter Wonderland.” Join me in a sing-along, the better to drown out the unholy howling emanating from your soul area.

Gosselins sing, are you list’ning?

Feel your gut, start a’twisting

A soul-crushing sight, kid labor ain’t right

When your mom’s a famewhore firebrand

Who knew Kate, was a songbird?

How ’bout Jon? That’s just absurd

With his giant back tatt, his Ed Hardy hat

His ex-wife’s a famewhore firebrand

For the cameras they can build a snowman

Looks just like a music video

Eight kids smiling in their snowflake mittens

But are you feeling rage or pity-oh-oh-oh

Later on comes the big screen

But for now, just a CD

Do not be afraid, the whole family gets paid

When your mom’s a famewhore firebrand

Any thoughts, feelings, or tears you want to shed about this topic? Head to the comments, by all means! And to get all my pop-culture ridiculata, follow me on Twitter @EWMichaelSlezak!

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