Unlike last season’s table flip finale, we fortunately have a few episodes left of The Real Housewives of New Jersey to help deal with last week’s country club brawl (which means hours of watching the ladies rehash the events leading up to the Hair Pull Heard Round the World). Danielle wanted Ashley arrested for assault, to which she responded, “Whatever.” If only she had been born in a different decade, she could have been Amber from Clueless’ evil sidekick. Everyone was shaken up after the fight, and the uncertainty over what would happened to Jacqueline’s 19-year-old daughter gave the ladies even more to gossip about and analyze this week.
Joe took Teresa’s girly girls to tae kwan do class, where he encouraged them to punch each other with the promise of hot dogs as a reward. While the family was away, Teresa went to Posche to apologize to Kim D. and indulge in more midday mimosas (served in a “Diva” glass. How appropriate). She explained that she was provoked when Danielle told her that her house “is under foreclosed.” But Kim couldn’t care less, since Teresa sat through her awful fashion show and seemed to like the clothes. Kim G. arrived wearing some strange, blue, furry animal and purple beret, scolding Teresa for her actions, and telling the ladies that she pitied Danielle. But Teresa wasn’t sorry. “I have four [Kim D.: “BEAUTIFUL”] healthy daughters and a gorgeous husband, you think I want to lower myself to her standards?” she explained. “The only thing I regret about that night is pushing Kim G. because she is an older woman and I do respect the elderly.” There she goes being a nice person again!
At Caroline’s house, mom was making breakfast, and everything was happy and normal (except little do the kids know that mom is putting sedatives in their eggs to make prisoners in their own home, so they’ll never leave!). “Is there a ‘diner’ sign on the door? Who’s going to make me eggs?” Caroline asked, pretending to be so bothered by the idea of making breakfast for her entire family (as if she had something better to do?). You’re not fooling us Caroline, we know you love that the kids are asking you to wait on them hand and foot. Christopher is going to take over the Brownstone, Lauren will marry Vito and live in the to-be-completed newlywed wing of the house, and Albie the lawyer will defend you against the inevitable lawsuits Danielle will slap on the Manzo family.
Yes, Albie still is concentrating on getting back into law school. “Being a lawyer is all I’ve ever wanted to be,” he told us. If that’s true, why don’t you stop spending precious study hours shooting a reality show, move out of your parents’ house, and focus! Thankfully, Albie got the letter he wanted from his former school, which allows him to apply to different schools under their recommendation that he “possesses the requisite ability to complete law school.” Good for him. He doesn’t want to work at the Brownstone, and he may not want to live at home anymore. When he brought up the idea of going to a school out-of-state – gasp! Leave New Jersey? – Caroline felt the floor fall out from underneath her. She needs to realize she’s holding her kids back. Luckily Albert Sr. tried to talk some sense into his wife, reassuring Albie that he didn’t have to pick a school based on his mother, and that if he moved she would just have to get over it. Seriously, the men on this show make the most sense. “I’m happy for you and wherever you gotta go you go, and maybe I’ll go with you, cause I don’t have anything to do,” Caroline responded.
Meanwhile, fresh from her boxing lesson (“It only takes one good smack to the head to make a person never walk again”), Danielle held office hours at the diner, her home away from home. She was joined by Danny and the other thug who never speaks (is this supposed to be a running joke, like the Other Asian on Glee?). Danielle started spouting her own conjured-up psychobabble, focusing on Ashley’s relationship with her mother and her stepfather’s family (remember, Chris is not her biological father). While she’s not one for brevity (she kept repeating things over and over, reminding us of how illegal Ashley’s actions were. How could a girl she used to give rides to school and let use her tanning room do such a thing to her?), I think she is onto something. Ashley does she seem desperate to please her family – though she has a funny way of showing it – and seems to have trouble feeling accepted by the Laurita-Manzo family, just like Jacqueline said she experienced when she and Chris first got married. In their defense, they family is a pretty intimidating, tight-knit group to break into.
Danielle finally stopped talking and started doing. She met with her attorney outside the Wayne Township Municipal Building, with Kim G. and “witnesses” Marilyn and Liz (Who? Neither of them appeared to be the “This is f—— b— s—” lady. Someone find her and get her on Watch What Happens Live next week). As Danielle retold the painful hair-pull story and explained that she wanted Ashley charged for simple assault and harassment, the ladies were like the three stooges (or as Jacqueline brilliantly put it: “A busted up Sex and the City”), nodding in unison, echoing each others’ statements (“namecalling,” “namecalling, yes”), and comparing the situation to a bomb scare. Danielle’s lawyer rolled his eyes, “Damn, I wish I did better on my LSAT. Learn from this Albie Manzo! Get out while you can or else you’ll be handling boob job malpractice suits at the Wayne Municipal Court!”
While Danielle was reading up on the judicial process, Jacqueline sought advice and wisdom from Caroline. When Ashley finally arrived – does she just go on Starbucks runs and wear stupid beanies all day? Get a job! Go to school! And take Caroline with you! – the ladies questioned her about exactly what happened, before she turned the questions on them: “Is it cause you guys like aren’t friends anymore and she’s just trying to get back at you?” While Ashley is despicable, she’s only learning by example. Finally Jacqueline admitted that her obsession with Danielle may be putting her daughter in jeopardy. “How can I ask my daughter to stop if I can’t even stop?” Plus, Jacqueline has like ESPN or something; she said she knew something bad was going to happen at the fashion show (can her breasts tell it’s raining too?). Maybe she should go into business with Danielle’s energist Sarai?
Kim G. ran over to Jacqueline’s house, newspapers in hand, to make sure she knew just how much trouble Ashley was in. (Don’t let the age fool you, that lady can move). There was snow on the ground, which explains the blue fur she wore earlier, but why does she always look like she missed the exit for the ski lodge? During a tense, confusing conversation, Jacqueline accused Kim G. of being two-faced, to which she completely agreed. “I’m absolutely two-faced! I absolutely am!” At least she’s honest? Kim G. also told Jacqueline she would stand by her daughter in court, days after accompanying Danielle. What? Hasn’t she seen Real Housewives before? You always have to pick a side, Kim G.
We got some insight into Joe’s real estate endeavors (Teresa, what’s the definition of entrepreneur?), which now include a pizzeria, laundromat, and apartment complex. Maybe he was just trying to make a joke out of Danielle’s foreclosure comment last week, but again, telling Teresa they could move into the apartment was a little uncomfortable given what we know now. Teresa didn’t find his jokes funny, (“Joe is totally kidding…ha ha that’s never going to happen, I could never see myself living there.”) and continued to deny any sort of financial problems, “I own a lot of properties…some good investments, some bad investments. The economy is bad.”
Was Danielle right to press charges against Ashley? Will Ashley take her subpoena seriously next week? What is Kim G. doing on the show?