If you stuck it out for two hours of ABC’s Bachelor Pad, chances are you hung around for at least 30 seconds of the season premiere of Dating in the Dark. You remember this show, right? New cast each episode; three guys and three girls feel around in the darkness and occasionally converse to see if they like each other’s “personalities”? No? That’s probably for the best. This show is a total crapfest that I’m thinking can best be recapped via pictures. Ironic, don’t you think? Because they’re in the dark.
Natasha wins this week’s prestigious Best Euphemism for “Unemployed” award.
Joey, 31, is the villain of the episode. He’s just sitting there and you already hate him, especially his most prized possession: his hair. Joey thinks his hair looks awesome.
Kym, 27, should consider washing her hair. Warning, guys: Kym only likes men with perfect teeth! And yet these are her teeth.
By the way, the interior decoration of this house is insane. Here’s host Rossi Morreale explaining this “most unusual dating experiment.” Marvel at the strange orange pineapple/container behind him. A true hidden gem!
Hideous wall art for a hideous “man.”
Seriously, what is going on with the decor? You know we can see this, right, ABC? Not every scene occurs in the dark. Show some respect.
Finally! They’re dating in the dark. The introductions are as awkward as they seem.
Ewwwwwwwwwwww. Joey: “I did the Ray Charles wrist check so I could see if they were thin or they were heavy. I felt Natasha’s wrist and felt it was plump, and I was just kind of turned off, for me.”
The anti-plump crusade continues as Joey checks Natasha’s waist for extra, or rather any body fat during the first few seconds of their one-on-one date.
And she’s delighted! “I don’t think Joey’s a bad guy,” says Natasha the fatty. “I think it shows that he’s a bit more clueless than rude, and I just think that’s endearing.”
Joey demonstrates the dimensions of Natasha’s grotesque “inner tube” of flesh for the other two guys. Tragically for viewers, he is not about to drown.
To add insult to injury, Natasha’s best friend, Tatiana, reveals in a video diary that Natasha is a vegetarian for ethical reasons! “No wayyyyy. No, no, no.” Joey is devastated. A “fat” vegetarian, huh? I mean, what are the chances?
Natasha’s one-on-one date with Dave, the 26-year-old PR guy, went a bit better. Here she is overdoing it after Dave unleashed his secret weapon – his sense of humor – by making a hilarious joke. Natasha said she used to be “on keys” in her school band, and Dave shot back, “Which means ‘keyboard,’ right? YOU DIDN’T JUST JINGLE KEYS?”
No, silly! I didn’t just jingle keys! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I’m about to fall over!
Meanwhile, tall Kym makes the best zombie of the group. “Oh, God,” she mutters in disgust upon realizing Joey is five inches shorter than her.
Natasha overacts AGAIN upon hearing Rossi’s big news that they would now get to view the results of the compatibility tests. “Perfect!” she squeals. But it’s not.
Kym delivers the most sensible line of the night: “Look how stupid our names look together.”
Storm is zombie Kym’s knight in shiny gold hoop earring armor at the start of their compatibility date. Uh-oh. Are man-jewels a deal breaker, ladies?
…you deceptive, nice-personality-having jackass.
Yeah, Joey! Gotta booze it up for your compatibility date with a giant flotation device, bro.
Joey and Natasha’s compatibility date is just more of the same. This time he feels her entire midsection to make sure his snap judgment that she was huge had been correct. “Natasha, will you please stand up so I can get an idea of your full figure?”
And she’s okay with it! “I’ll be honest, I thought you were a little thicker than that,” Joey admits. But he’s still not sure and embarks on a thorough belly check. “You’re feeling my tummy?” she asks, bewildered. “Abso-LUTE-ly!” he announces, proud as can be. I’m amazed she’s still in the room.
After Joey describes his painful experience with an ex-girlfriend who “blew up like a tick” and assured Natasha that it was okay if she’d ever been heavy before as long as bulimia or the gym will keep her fit for the long run, it slowly begins to dawn on Natasha that Joey is a huge asshole.
There it is.
One of Natasha’s eyes takes a bit longer to catch up.
Yay! Kym decided to look past Storm’s earring (or in this case, screw her eyes shut) and meet him on the balcony of romantic success. They’re dating in the daylight!
But DRAMA! Natasha and Jessica both chose Dave, and he ended up requesting a daylight dating experience with Jessica. The two looked so much alike that I’m convinced there’s a 50 percent chance Dave meant to choose the other one. Here’s Jessica sticking it to that loser Natasha.
F— me gently with a chain saw, Veronica!
I almost prefer this Natasha reaction shot from earlier, right after Jessica emerged from her compatibility date with Dave to announce, “I’m really interested in him.”
And then Jessica fell. (Not really.)
Annie on Twitter: @EWAnnieBarrett