Even if you stuck it out for two more hours of ABC’s Bachelor Pad, chances are you immediately changed the channel during the promo for 10 p.m.’s dazzler, Dating in the Dark. It’s okay! I would have done the same thing in an alternate life in which I was not self-punishing and insane. You know the drill. New cast each episode; three guys and three girls feel around in the darkness and occasionally converse to see if they like each other’s “personalities.” Dating in the Dark is a total crapfest that can best be recapped via pictures. Ironic, don’t you think? Because they’re in the dark.
Karolina, 28, wins this week’s Best Euphemism for ‘Unemployed’ award. Olé!
They’re dating in the dark! The group-meet always sets the tone, and plants a seed of what soon may blossom into vomit in viewers’ stomachs. “That was a dude’s hand.” Michael, left, shudders. He can’t believe it. They can’t see!
Karolina and Christian enjoy their first one-on-one date. Christian, a radio host, demonstrates his talents for Karolina. “That was John Mayer….Coming up next, we’ve got music from Sheryl Crow and Daughtry.” AND SHE LOVES THIS. “That’s hot,” says Karolina. I am telling the truth.
Here is Christian in the non-dark.
The laugh parade continues as Christian presents more examples of things he could offer Karolina. He starts tracing her hand. “Right over here is your butler, and this” — [HE IS LICKING HER HAND!] — “is your swimming pool.”
This is Michael, 25, right after he announces to his one-on-one date, Becky, “I love life.”
Joshua, a 28-year-old paralegal, tries to “teach Becky the power of communication through dance” as they relax on a sofa.
Thank God. Here are some mannequins! The contestants must dress their mannequins as they would like their ideal man or woman to dress. Karolina prefers unbuttoned shirts on men. Might they think this is trashy? “No, no, it’s European hotness,” she insists. Lady, you’re in America. It’s Jersey Shore. But Michael would wear Karolina’s outfit in a heartbeat. “If that’s the way she likes it, ima give it to her,” he coos.
Convinced that Karolina is a hungry skank because she likes men who wear button-down shirts, Joshua brings strawberries and a heavy hand. “I liked your very classy choice,” he woos her. “You like a man sexy. Let me show you a little bit of my chest.”
Oh, yeah, now you do your thing. Do it. Yeah. Grope my chest.
Shockingly, Karolina’s not into it.
Michael and Becky get closer during their second one-on-one date. In her confessional, Becky’s voiceover sounds full of hope: “There’s so much going on here that I’m not seeing.” Particularly the prominent veins on his forehead.
Summer, an “international supermodel” who has been on the cover of Maxim and probably a bunch of cars, is not pleased when Becky announces that Michael has kissed her.
Summer: “I think my looks might throw a wrench in things for Becky.”
The scheming begins.
During their next one-on-one date, Summer guides Michael’s terrified hands over the contours of her high cheekbones. So what if the show is called Dating in the Dark? If this moron can’t figure out by NOW that Summer has model-face, he will surely die at dusk.
Obligatory shot of everyone’s favorite orange container/pineapple behind host Rossi Morreale.
A sketch artist arrives! Michael decides to have Becky drawn. “I kissed Becky, so I kind of had a distinct image of what her lips looked like.” (Duck lips.) “So I kind of started with that and then…just filled in the rest.” (With collagen.)
“If that was on the news, you’d go to jail!”
Happy nightmares, everyone!
On the day of the big reveals, Michael falls to the floor to endorse No Ordinary Family and pump up his jam.
Big reveal time! Karolina and Christian really liked each other in the dark and I am rooting for them/hating myself. After a relatively calm first few moments in the spotlight, she threw in this unfortunate double wave at the last second. So close!
No cigar? Seriously is there a cigar in your mouth? Then don’t make this face.
Christian is revealed to Karolina.
AND SHE’S INTO IT! “Adorable, adorable!” she gushes to the other “ladies.”
Compare and contrast: Michael’s reaction to 23-year-old “entrepreneur” Becky….
…and Michael’s reaction to 30-year-old “supermodel” Summer.
Oh honey don’t.
That’s a shame.
None of the “ladies” wanted to see Joshua bathed in light, but for some reason he’s still there, egging Michael on. “You got a choice to make, sir!” Everyone in the room and America wants him to leave.
Christian and Karolina meet on the balcony! They’re dating in the light!
Karolina thinks Christian is “definitely doable,” but that’s not all. “I wanna put him in my pocket, carry him around, put him on my keychain, hold him up, and say you’re so cute!” PopWatch recommends that Karolina either go buy a wacky Pez dispenser or have a baby.
Before Michael can reject her outright by declining to meet her in the piano room, Summer flounces. “Michael looks too young, so I’m gonna walk away right now. A lot of girls would say Michael was attractive, but I’m not attracted to him at all. I think a lot of people would say that physically, I’m out of his league.”
I’m so glad I can rest easy about that last part!
Michael meets Becky on the balcony, and they escape the house, laughing and skipping like a real couple. Becky: “It felt completely right, like two puzzle pieces coming together.”
May they come together for many years.
Annie on Twitter: @EWAnnieBarrett