'The Real Housewives of New Jersey' reunion recap, part one: Everybody just stay on the couch | EW.com

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'The Real Housewives of New Jersey' reunion recap, part one: Everybody just stay on the couch


Real-Housewives-New-JerseyImage Credit: Andrei Jackamets/BravoThe biggest question after part one of The Real Housewives of New Jersey reunion: What’s the deal with Teresa’s nephew?

Just like the word “foreclosure” before it, “nephew” apparently has the power to set Teresa off. I can’t believe that the other ladies insist they’ve never seen Teresa get upset before; she has had the biggest and best meltdowns of the entire show, and it doesn’t look like it’s the first time she’s cursed someone out. You expect me to believe that she’d remain calm if someone insulted Gia’s natural talent? She is from Paterson, remember?

After a montage of baby Audriana and baby Nicholas, the ladies scolded Danielle for not reaching out to Jacqueline after the birth of her son. Rather than fully defend or explain herself (then again, why should she? Why would she reach out to Jacqueline after the way last year’s reunion went?) Danielle turned the question on Teresa: “Did you acknowledge your nephew? Did you?” The woman really knows how to push her buttons and really has her hands on some inside information, which it may take a year for us to find out. Do your research, Andy! “Yeah, of course I did,” Teresa initially replied, before letting the words sink through the pounds of hair spray atop her head and deep into the crevices of her brain, where her cursing and fighting lobes are located. Wait for it…and, go:  In two seconds Teresa was hovering over Danielle, screaming, “DO NOT BRING UP MY FAMILY!” before the former stormed off set, and the latter needed to be held back by Andy (needed to, but didn’t want to, hence her tough shoving of the Bravo SVP which knocked him off his feet and back into his chair).

The other women tried to calm Teresa down but she was stuck on an expletive rampage of  ”motherf—er”/”f—ing bitch,” that was quickly reduced to a frightening stammering of “she is, she is, she is….” Watch the clip below, and tell me, when did the Housewives reunion turn into an exorcism?

And that was just within the first 15 minutes alone. During the melee, the ladies retreated to their hair stylists and makeup artists for touch-ups and emotional support (they better be paying them double for therapy costs). Danielle's entourage encouraged her to think of "amazing things" in order to calm down, which is apparently the new "love and light" philosophy (prescribed by Sarai?). Andy, suit still in perfect condition despite the fall, did his best to encourage the ladies to return to set, but of course Danielle felt physically threatened by Teresa. This is terroristic, Andy Cohen! Don't you see? Even you aren't safe! In order to save his reunion show he had to lock Teresa down to that tacky Borgata couch:
“Listen to me, listen to me, listen to me, you can’t get off the couch.”
“Believe me I won’t hit her, she’s not worth it.”
“No I don’t care, I don’t care, but I don’t want you to get off the couch.”
“She’s not worth it.”
“That’s fine so then if she’s not worth it, don’t get off the couch, I’m really not kidding, you can’t get off the couch, okay? Is that a deal?”

Kudos to Andy Cohen, who not only put himself in grave physical danger, but kept the ladies on task and continuously pressed the uncomfortable subjects, from Teresa's finances to Danielle's sex tapes. The ladies were packing verbal heat, and Teresa didn't waste any time before firing the first shot at Danielle. When asked what they thought of the other Jersey reality show (Jersey Shore), Teresa described it as a bit promiscuous and not a great example. She backed away from an easy dig at Danielle, but then decided, I'm on a TV show, bitch! So why not?: “I think Danielle could relate to them, right Danielle? Because after a week  you met Steve, you slept with him at my shore house in front of your kids. That was okay, right?”

The ladies took any opportunity to cut Danielle down or prove her wrong, which again seems pointless if they claim to be so far above her. Caroline, who was chosen to share a couch with Danielle (although you would never tell, as the space between the two ladies was bigger than Teresa and Joe's dream house), was on eye-roll duty while Jacqueline inserted digs at Danielle's ex-husband, her rumored relationship with "bodyguard" Danny, and had her very own "you're a piece of garbage" moment, even if it didn't have the same effect coming from Jacqueline's meek, sweet sounding voice. Andy let her off easy last night compared to the other ladies, which means a discussion of Ashley, her parenting, and the hair pull is coming next week, right?

Things we learned, part one:

++ After last year's reunion left Caroline in tears and Danielle known to us all as garbage, the ladies confirmed that the drama was over reports that Danielle had tried to take Dina's daughter Lexi away from her. Last night Danielle played dumb, as if she had only recently learned of this claim. "Why would I do such a thing, ever? I don’t have any reason to do something like that, ever. I don’t think she’s an unfit mother!" she insisted. She did admit that her attorneys tried to silence Dina after she "lied in a four-page article" about things that Danielle claimed to be untrue. But we can't speak about it because Dina's not here. Why does the juiciest stuff go down off camera?

++ Danielle introduced Jacqueline to the fertility doctor who helped her get pregnant...and now either wants her child, or a replica of her head stuffed and hung on the Laurita's wall in honor of her selfless gesture.

++ Despite filing for bankruptcy, Teresa’s home is still not in foreclosure. She also denied reports from New York Post that their debt included $100,000 in credit card debt to Neiman Marcus, Nordstrom, and Bloomingdale’s. “Do we believe everything the New York Post writes?” she asked. Oh, and that anniversary ring Joe gave her is a yellow sapphire, not a diamond. A diamond would be like a half a million dollars, and who do you think those Juicy Joe is? There’s a lot of competition in the Jersey pizza market these days.

++ Danny Provenzano was married during the first weeks of filming his stint on the show, but conveniently filed for divorce shortly after. The ladies seemed to think that he and Danielle had an affair, which led to the dissolution of his marriage (not his time in jail?). “That’s disgusting, I never had an affair with him, ever,” Danielle said. “I don’t hang out with him, I taped with him and that was it.” (Taped…what exactly?)

+++ Danielle has two sex tapes in existence, one from Sex Tape Steve (who I’ll believe is 26 years old when I believe those long locks were Danielle’s real hair), and another, which she couldn’t afford to prevent being released (which means it’s available for purchase online!). Jacqueline called it a “bad acting porn,” but Danielle insisted it was not made by a third-party, and her clip-in extensions can prove just how long ago it really was (because we all know those things are sewn in these days).

Best quotes:

“I just don’t appreciate anyone talking about my private life in public.” – Danielle, who is on a reality show where she underwent her breast augmentation, her search for her biological mother, and her daughter’s first trip to the gynecologist on camera.

“You are really strong. You don’t work out at all?”– Andy to Teresa, who had no hard feelings after the push.

“I’m talking about you right now because we’re on a TV show together, bitch. I never talk about you! Unless it’s on camera, thank you.” – Teresa, who simply could not look at Danielle without ending a sentence in “pig,” “bitch,” or “whore.”

“I was asked to come to present a check!”
“For what? For being pretty? You didn’t give a dime!” – Danielle and Caroline, on the Emanuela benefit at The Brownstone. Emanuela’s father claims Danielle has yet to donate any money.

Was that all you hoped it would be, PopWatchers?  Did you expect the push to come so soon? Anyone want to defend Danielle? What’s literally in the bag next week? Are you excited to see Kim G.?


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