What has this crazy world come to when a small orange girl with gigantic hair can’t find herself a handsome Gorilla Juicehead for to smush with? Poor, lovelorn Shnookums is feeling lonely. She knows the perfect man is out there. He is a romantical nympho. He frolics around dorkily. He wears an Ed Hardy shirt. In his left hand, he holds an iPhone, with speakers bumping out old-school Deadmau5. In his right hand, he holds a bucket of pickles. “Oh, Mr. Gorilla Juicehead,” said Snooks, “Won’t you send me a dream?”
But last night’s chapter of The Adventures of Mr. Circumstance and His Hooligan Gang wasn’t about puppy love. In fact, you could argue that last night was the most nihilistic episode of television MTV has ever produced, besides maybe the wedding episode of The Hills. Consider, if you will, the Three Trials of Angelina the Unwise:
Angelina Vs. The Situation
Sitch doesn’t get upset very easily. Sure, he’s offended by dirty things. Sure, he doesn’t like it when women are immune to his kryptonite charms. Sure, he pouts like a 12-year-old girl whenever anyone gives his self-esteem an ouchie. But he’s generally an even-keeled guy. Except around Angelina. He was angry at her. She called him names. Quoth The Situation: “How dare you speak to me like this? I’m the glue of this family!”
Remember in Legend of Zelda, when you had to fight Dark Link, your shadow clone? That’s what was happening here. The Situation and Angelina are essentially the same person. But Sitch’s shenanigans are balanced by a desperate need to be liked. Angelina just doesn’t care. She might be a sociopath. When the MTV-bot who hosts Jersey Shore: After Hours asked her if she felt bad about leading Jose on, she basically said, “No, because I needed companionship, and he gave it to me.” Angelina lives in an Angelina-sized universe. So she slapped The Situation, who looked offended and cried about it all night.
Angelina vs. Snooki
Snooki made herself a checklist of the things she didn’t like. What follows is the best transcript our researchers could provide with our primitive freeze-frame technology:
-Spicy Foods/Spicy Pickles
-Spiders in the dark (Obviously a reference to Ingmar Bergman’s spider-god.)
Then she made a list of what she did like:
-Being tan :)
-Guido Juicehead Gorillas
She then threw out her carefully-designed list and attack-humped the first man she saw. “Make out with me!” she flirted, “Make out with me!” Alas for poor Alex, no man can refuse La Snookerino’s subtle charms. She thrust him down upon the couch. She threw her derriere/in the air/say a prayer/care bear stare! “She’s tonguin’ out!” said Vinny. Apparently, no one told Snooki that Alex had been claimed by Angelina.
Meanwhile, back at Club Med, Angelina had packed her bags. She was ready to go. ”I want them to know I didn’t leave because of them,” she explained. “I left on my own.” (We really have to do something about our education system.) But when Snooki dared cross the doorstep with Alex all up on her, something snapped in Angelina. All season, things have been frosty between the two of them. The girls were screaming at each other. Snooki, in her mad genius, decided that Angelina must be in love with her. “If you wanna make out with me, just ask!” begged Snooki. “I will say yes.” Viewers, is Snooki/Angelina the real tragic love story of Jersey Shore?
Angelina vs. The World
At this point, Angelina turned into an Ayn Rand heroine, with an accent like a gangster from a 1930s movie. “Alla youse is f—ing fake! I can’t stand any of youse!” Snooki, the champion of goodness and family values, turned to Sister JWoww. “Hold my hoop earrings,” said Super-Snooks, “I got this.” Cue hair-pulling, couch-wrestling, lots of rolling around in the fetal position, and lots of flailing girl limbs. Ronnie noted that Snooki has T. Rex arms, which sounds kind of funny coming from a shaved gorilla-man with crocodile-leather skin.
Angelina was defeated Shnookums had slain the dragon. Angie walked outside, defeated. “Peace out, fake people!” she exclaimed. Behind her, Pauly jealously coveted her closet space, promising Vinny the floor.
Other Instances Of Note:
-Sammi spent the whole episode in front of the mirror straightening her hair.
-Ronnie noted that Angelina left the first week in Jersey and the last week in Miami. So Ronnie understands symmetry. Even if he doesn’t know the word “symmetry.”
-Pauly D now sings everything. “It’s T-shirt Time!” “It’s wake-up-the-whole-entire-house TIME!” He’s a DJ!
-This is how Pauly D pronounces “sandwich”: “Sangdawitch.”
-The best thing to ask a girl instead of “Elvis or the Beatles”: “Sweats or shorts?”
-Sitch found himself a Canadian girl who almost beat up another girl at the club. Yeesh, what’s up with those angry Canadians, am I right folks, huh?
-As The Situation led his Canadian damsel into the Smush room, he turned around and gave the camera a freakish look. He closed the door slowly. I really wanted him to say, “Good night, you Kings of Maine, you Queens of New England.”
-Pauly D has apparently seriously wifed up his Cuban girl.
-Here is a rough transcript of what Angelina said on Jersey Shore: After Hours:
Angelina: “I got a boyfriend! My boyfriend is my world! I love my boyfriend! I’m moving in with my boyfriend! He fell in love with me, for me.”
MTV-Bot: “How long have you been with your boyfriend?”
Angelina: “Two months.”
Viewers, is Angelina her own worst enemy? Or is she a lone voice of wisdom in a mad, mad, mad, mad world? Can you believe the castmates only have two more weeks in the hellhole little slice of paradise called Miami? BTW, correction: The Situation is Ganondorf and Snooki is Dark Link. See? Legend of Zelda explains everything.