Last night, J-Woww wore a dress that made full-frontal nudity look like G-rated Pixar stuff. It was like seeing those black “censored” bars in dress form. As if she had stolen netting from a sadomasochist barbarian fisherman, cut out a couple strips roughly as wide as a crayon, and then rubber-cemented those strips over her lady parts. In what I can only call a demure moment, she decided to cover her girls with glow-stickers. “I look at her, and I think, this girl’s a f—ing whore!” said Snooki, sounding like the proud mother of the first female President of the United States.
Remember last week’s slappy-kissy drama? The Situation magnanimously decided to apologize by writhing on top of Snooki and screaming, “Accept my apology!” Snooki quickly agreed, and spent the rest of the episode mourning Ryder’s departure by spouting semi-sentient phrases like ‘The sun’s very powerful today,” and “Guido juicehead gorillas, sweaty tan…boys.” That last one was a complete sentence. (Does anyone else think that Daytime Snooki’s voice sounds almost exactly like the demonic bleats of those terrible Quizno’s Cats.)
Meanwhile, The Situation’s car was towed during an eyebrow-plucking session. It was just one sign of Sitch’s overall Icarus-like fall from grace. At the club, Pauly D grabbed a couple hot chicks. Sitch was all like, “Please, Santa Pauly, have you one more smush in your bag for me?” Pauly allowed Sitch to flirt with one of the ladies. But horror! Pauly’s girl said of Sitch’s girl: “Don’t let the outfit confuse you. She doesn’t drink, and she doesn’t hook up with people.” Sitch was disgusted. He demanded that this freak puritan drink a Vitamin water in the living room. In the process, he soured the deal for Pauly D. Pauly D chastised his wingman: “Entertain a grenade or decipher a bomb. It’s a war out there.”
But Pauly is a loyal soldier. So, the next night, when he snagged a couple of girls from “Canadia,” he let Sitch take one. (Seriously, Canada, do you only come to America to hook up with our reality TV stars?) But twist! Shyamalan! Just as Sitch was preparing to hit Ms. Toronto with his leathery charm, her girlfriend said, “She’s got a fiancé!” Sitch emitted a toxic odor that repelled the northern aggressors. Sitch and Pauly: Smush-free for two nights in a row.
More Secret Notes Smuggled out of the Idiot Gulag:
- Sammi: “I’m exotic-looking.” Ronnie: “You look Asian. I like it.” Sammi: “Considering your ex-girlfriend is Asian, you don’t say that to me.” Fighting ensued. Basically, Sammi doesn’t like that Ronnie is a douchebag, and Ronnie thinks Sammi doesn’t respect his douchebaggery enough. Also, they’re both terrible people.
-The Situation set off the fire alarm. “Evacuate the premise!” said J-Woww malapropically. We really have to boob something about our education system.
-Vinny would absolutely wife up Ramona. But alas, our poor Vin-Vin doesn’t believe in love. Somewhere, a fairy is dying. Believe, Vinny! Believe!
-The Hook-Up Board, as described by Snooki: “I made out with Pauly, made out with Mike, and tried to have sex with Vinny. And I made out with Jenni and Angelina.” There are two important things to take away from that line:
1) We are living through the end of human history.
2) This was a surprisingly explicit admission that Snooki hasn’t really smushed with anyone in the house. If we theorize for a moment that Angelina actually did smush with her romantic partners, we are left with the ultimate conclusion that Snooki is a mere Ralph Waldo Emerson and Angelina is Henry David Thoreau. Sorry, readers, I’ve taken to reading 18th19th-century American Literature while I watch Jersey Shore. And also drinking wine out of a box.
-Unexpectedly gratifying line of the night: “I never said anything about checkers, old man.”
-Unexpectedly existential line of the night: “At one point, we all didn’t know any of us.”
-Unexpectedly Faulknerian line of the night: “You usually don’t have sex with your big brother.”
Viewers, can the Situation get any more annoying, or is that a terrible challenge to lay on the ground? Don’t you wish Pauly D would settle down with the adorable Disney princess-loving woman who respects him for who he is and not just for his ridiculous muscles? And Oh Em Mother-Effing Gee, what sort of devilry awaits us in the season finale?
For more on my exciting theory about how Angelina is the hero of Jersey Shore, follow me on Twitter @EWDarrenFranich
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