Say you don’t like football, Glee, the Black Eyed-Peas or ultra-expensive ads for Doritos and Budweiser, yet you still want to spend hours watching TV on Sunday.
We can help. Here’s our top Super Bowl counterprogramming picks (all times Eastern Standard, check local listings for marathon start’n’stop times):
— The Puppy Bowl, Animal Planet, 3 p.m., repeats endlessly: Two starving dogs trained for combat are put into a pit, unleashed, then fight to the — ohhh, wait. This is different, they’re all cute and licking each other. Aww. It’s a Super Bowl tradition.
— Sex and the City marathon, E!: Shopping, hot guys, shoes, dating. This is true red-blooded NFL counter-programming, the way our TV ancestors intended.
— Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders: Making the Team marathon, CMT: The Super Bowl counterprogramming strategy meeting at CMT’s corporate office was doubtless a short one.
— MTV’s Jersey Shore / Teen Mom 2 marathon: You can catch up on the current season of Shore, and then MTV reconfigures its testosterone-estrogen balance during the big game by counterprogramming with Teen Mom 2.
— TNT vs. USA Law & Order marathons: In the basic cable system, L&O fans are represented by two separate yet equally important groups: TNT with its repeats of the flagship Law & Order, and USA with its reruns of SVU. Here, both sides stand trial for your attention in an epic prosecutorial marathon.
— 1000 Ways to Die marathon, Spike: By the end of the day, you will know every way to die. So you’ll have that going for you.
— Jerseylicious marathon, Style: Is this really counter-programming the Super Bowl, or is it counter-programming MTV’s Jersey Shore marathon? Style must figure there’s Shore fan spillover to be gained, and “Jersey Shore” looks a lot like “Jerseylicious” in the programming guide when you’re drunk.
— Ghost Hunters marathon, Syfy: Is there ever a major holiday or event that isn’t an occasion for Syfy to run a Ghost Hunters marathon?
— While most networks air repeats or movies, Showtime will have original episodes of Californication at 9 p.m., Episodes at 9:30 p.m. and Shameless at 10 p.m.
Also: Mini-marathons of Discovery’s Gold Rush: Alaska, IFC’s Freaks & Geeks, Nickelodeon’s SpongeBob SquarePants, G4’s Cops, and TLC’s Say Yes to the Dress.
And lest we forget: Movies. There’s some good ones: ABC Family has a Pixar triple feature with Toy Story at 3:30 p.m, Toy Story 2 at 7 p.m. then Cars at 9 p.m. ABC airs Knocked Up at 9 p.m. AMC has Terminator at 2:30 p.m., then Terminator 2 at 5 p.m. FX runs Kung Fu Panda at 9 p.m. TNT offers Forrest Gump at 8 p.m. and TBS runs Pretty Woman at 8 p.m.
Image Credit: Gavin Bond/Syfy; Animal Planet; Emily Shur/MTV; Jason Merritt/Getty Images