Hillary Busis
February 24, 2011 AT 07:12 PM EST

Image Credit: Paul Drinkwater/NBCHey, remember how Ricky Gervais hosted the Golden Globes a couple times? Well, that makes him something of an awards show expert — even if his latest outing wasn’t exactly well-received by everyone. The Office creator flexed his dormant hosting muscle on his blog this week, where he posted a monologue that Academy Awards hosts James Franco and Anne Hathaway can feel free to use “in case they have a few minutes to fill.” The fake opener is predictably colorful. Here’s an excerpt:


You probably know me from 127 Hours where I play a man trapped in an enclosed space who decides he would rather cut his own arm off than stay where he was. Now that sounds “way out” but wait till half way through this f—ing ceremony and you’ll start to identify with him.


And I’m the new Catwoman. The first white woman to play that role since Michelle Pfeiffer. I want it to be an inspiration to all white people everywhere. Your dreams can come true in Hollywood too.


It’s a daunting task hosting The Oscars but we’re not alone. Presenting awards tonight will be a string of Hollywood legends and some other actors who have a film out in March or April.


Usually they hire comedians to host The Oscars, but tonight, instead, you get us!


No comedians tonight. And do you know why? Because comics are ugly.


Especially that rude obnoxious one who played the Steve Carell part in the English remake of The Office.

… And so on. Most of Gervais’s proposed jokes, in fact, target Gervais himself. Though they’re fairly funny, they also kind of make you want to roll your eyes. Everyone else is over what happened at the Globes, Ricky; by now, you should be too. There’s no need to play the martyr.

What do you think, PopWatchers — would you like to see Hathaway and Franco break out some Gervais-penned jokes on their big night?

Read more:

Ricky Gervais kinda, sorta apologizes about the Golden Globes: ‘I hope no one was truly offended’

Ricky Gervais says he will not return as Golden Globes host

Did Ricky Gervais go too far at the Golden Globes?

James Franco and Anne Hathaway reenact the carnival scene from ‘Grease’

Producer talks Oscar opening, writer talks plan for presenters Helen Mirren and Russell Brand

Dave Karger’s picks for who will (and who SHOULD) win

EW’s Oscars Central

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