Dan Snierson
July 22, 2011 AT 04:00 AM EDT

1. Pranksters hurl eggs at Lady Gaga as she exits Sydney club
As the eggs cracked all over her, Gaga narrowed her eyes and warned, ”You just created my People’s Choice Awards entrance, bitches.”

2. Reports swirl that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are finally planning wedding
It’s never been a question of their commitment to each other — you’d just be surprised how hard it is to adopt a good flower girl these days.

3. Sharon Stone ordered to pay $232,000 to worker who fell on her property
If only she hadn’t uncrossed her legs at the exact moment when he peered into her window.

4. Jersey Shore not injuring state’s reputation, poll finds
The poll then downed six watermelon shots, sloppy-kissed Gallup, and urinated behind the bar.

5. Nicki Minaj’s assistant shoves her with suitcase during altercation
”No! No! No!” shouted Naomi Campbell while reading the story. ”You guys are doing it backward!”

6. Helen Mirren poses sexily in Union Jack flag for Esquire shoot
Betty White, you’re not just going to take that lying down, are you? DEFEND UNCLE SAM!

7. Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake accept invitations to Marine Corps balls
Prediction: Kunis injures herself while trying to pull off a Timberlake move on the dance floor, resulting in shouting of ”Black Swan Down!”

8. Zambian TV network debuts reality show in which ex-prostitutes compete to win husband, paid wedding ceremony
It’s like The Bachelor, minus the…actually, it’s exactly The Bachelor.

9. Letterman’s Ed Sullivan Theater vandalized for second time in a week
Jay Leno insists that he had an airtight alibi — he was ”Jaywalking” at the time. When he offered to show police the footage, they interrupted, ”No! Please! We’ll totally take your word for it!”

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