Dan Snierson
July 29, 2011 AT 04:00 AM EDT

1. Wearing expensive Louboutins, Lindsay Lohan tells judge she can’t afford court-ordered counseling
In her defense, the shoes had been left at a store unattended.

2. South Park‘s Cheesy Poofs debut at Comic-Con, to be sold in Walmart
Oh, sure, FDA, you let that stuff right onto shelves but say no to Breaking Bad‘s blue meth?

3. Hollywood madam Heidi Fleiss to star in Animal Planet reality special Prostitutes to Parrots, about living with 20-plus macaws
So glad these birds are getting a shot at redemption after 2009’s cage rager with Charlie Sheen.

4. Britney Spears’ ex-bodyguard alleges in lawsuit that she was on drugs, rarely bathed, and…farted a lot
Really hoping that’s not the ”it” she kept, oops, doing again.

5. Scrubs‘ Zach Braff denies he’s gay after hackers infiltrate his website and post coming-out statement
But he did look up dreamily to the sky and play out a fabulous fantasy sequence in his head before shaking it off.

6. Fabio appears in Old Spice ads
Who wants to smell like a windswept shore, with hints of 1989 and I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter?

7. Mila Kunis says she used a butt double in Friends With Benefits with Justin Timberlake
Mr. Timberlake, anything you want to confess about ”D— in a Box”?

8. Warner Bros. buys J.K. Rowling multimillion-dollar white-gold-and-40-diamond bracelet to thank her for Potter, TMZ reports
Don’t be impressed. They didn’t even spring for an albino dragon to guard it.

9. Jennifer Aniston, Justin Theroux reportedly shopping for house
Tabloid editors pound fists in anger, scramble to change headlines from ”Will Jen ever be happy?” to ”Yeah, but can she STAY happy?”

10. Sixteen-year-old bride of 51-year-old Lost actor Doug Hutchison provides medical evidence that her breasts are real
I feel better. You?

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