EW Staff
September 30, 2011 AT 12:00 PM EDT

”Sweetheart, I would love to be wrong. I just don’t live with the right people for that.”

—Claire (Julie Bowen) on Modern Family

”Ironic is bad movies and malt liquor, not J.Crew at the Grove and Lipitor.”

—Reagan (Christina Applegate), to Chris (Will Arnett), on Up All Night

”We have plenty of linens. We mainly want the things.”

—Abed (Danny Pudi), about his gift registry at Linens ‘n Things, on Community

”We’re not criminals. We drive car pools.”

—Susan (Teri Hatcher) on Desperate Housewives

”You know what’s terrifying? I can imagine me and Paula being you in 10 years’ time.”

—Simon Cowell, on an elderly couple’s audition, on The X Factor

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