Dan Snierson
November 04, 2011 AT 04:00 AM EDT

1. Choose your favorite Real Housewives:
New Jersey: One of the women from New Jersey could beat the s— out of the entire cast of every other version of that show, including Atlanta. I know that’s big talk — I’ll stand behind it.

2. If you could utter any catchphrase, it would be:
”It’s clobberin’ time!”

3. Meat of choice:
Beef: As a genre, beef and steak nose ahead of pork chops and bacon. But I have a hard time beating a pork bratwurst. The sausage is such a magnificent meat-delivery system; the casing allows you to contain both spice and heat in a much more convenient way.

4. Manliest thing you did this week:
I was driving to my woodworking shop, and there was a section of a tree stump sitting next to the street. It was black acacia, a very beautiful, valuable wood. I couldn’t pass it by. The thing weighs, like, 800 pounds, so I borrowed three paving stones from somebody’s garden, made a stack, rolled the thing into the back of my station wagon, and hauled it to my shop. [This] could also be called ”What’s the stupidest thing you did this week?”

5. Least manly thing you did this week:
I was made to try on some fashionable suits from a store called Barneys for my wife’s viewing pleasure. It felt pretty emasculating.

6. Choose the perfect mustache:
Ned Flanders: Tom Selleck is the best vehicle for a mustache, but if you put the mustaches next to each other, Flanders just has the most magnificent bush.

7. Secret phobia:
I am deathly afraid of feta cheese. It makes me tinkle in my drawers and cry like a little girl. It’s my one big yuck.

8. The voice you’d want on your car’s GPS navigation device:
First of all, GPS weakens us as a society, and I absolutely refuse to use it. If, however, I were the type of weak person that did indulge in GPS, I would like the voice of Gandalf telling me where to make my turns. Who would be more trustworthy in the realm of navigation? Not only does he know where to go, he knows what’s going to happen to you when you get there.

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