Annie Barrett
December 22, 2011 AT 06:00 PM EST

To me, one of the most amusing things about Buddy (Will Ferrell) in 2003’s Elf — and there are many — is his insistence on sticking to the four main food groups of his species: “Candy, candy canes, candy corns, and syrup.” Buddy’s ridiculous pasta concoctions rivaled Ally Sheedy’s Cap’n Crunch and Pixy Stix sandwich in The Breakfast Club in terms of sheer sugar per square inch. That is no small feat.

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Whoa — was Ally Sheedy’s Breakfast Club character an elf? Did Allison Reynolds arrive at John Hughes High after passing through seven levels of the Candy Cane Forest and the Sea of Swirly Twirly Gum Drops? I would not be surprised. I feel like I’ve just figured out the answer to EVERYTHING.

My approach to sampling new cuisines is similar to Buddy’s: “Is there sugar in [dish in question]? Then YES.” But we’re not all as nice as Mary Steenburgen, and not everyone’s willing to go through life actively courting diabetes, even if the feelings of an adorable overgrown elf are at stake.

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